


In My Head, I'm Yours

by Marmeladeskies



Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Ballroom Dancing, Complicated Relationships, Fake/Pretend Relationship, Family Drama, Feelings Realization, First Dates, First Kiss, Friendship, M/M, Mutual Pining, Sibling Bonding, blumentrio (mentioned), divergence after the Travelercon arc, mention of Caleb's trauma
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-23
Updated: 2021-01-10
Packaged: 2021-03-10 19:49:30
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 23
Words: 31,346
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28272657
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Marmeladeskies/pseuds/Marmeladeskies
Summary: “I… I actually have a favor to ask.”The reaction at the table was inevitable and it stung. Smiles grew wary and both Beauregard and Veth crossed their arms immediately, Veth sizing him up with a critical look.“What kind of favor?”Essek felt the blood shoot into his cheeks- by the luxon, this had been a terrible idea. But it was too late now.“I… my Den’s annual meeting is coming up, and I need a plus one, to put it simply.”The Nein still all stared at him, brows furrowed.“Is it a political meeting?”, Caleb asked.“It’s more of a family get-together, to be honest.”, Essek confessed, feeling very sheepish.“But why do you need someone to go with you?”, Jester asked, scrunching up her nose.Well, there it was. Essek fidgeted with his sleeve before he replied, as dignified as possible, “Frankly, because I am tired of my family’s burning questions about why I never bring any company.”The resulting shriek Jester let out made him jump- and not only him it seemed.“You need someone to pretend to be your daaaaaaaate?”
Relationships: Astrid/Eodwulf/Caleb Widogast, Beauregard Lionett & Caleb Widogast, Caleb Widogast & Everyone, Essek Thelyss & The Mighty Nein, Essek Thelyss & Verin Thelyss, Essek Thelyss/Caleb Widogast, Jester Lavorre & Caleb Widogast, Nott | Veth Brenatto & Caleb Widogast, Trent Ikithon & Caleb Widogast
Comments: 541
Kudos: 748





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Hello bees! I can't believe I'm posting this now- a project I started 5 months ago is coming to a close and I'm so happy to share this fic with all of you.  
> I will be posting a chapter per day over the holidays and after. The rating and chapter count may change still since the fic is not entirely finished yet. 
> 
> Prepare for feels, and enjoy <3

The invitation came in a thick, grey envelope with the crest of their Den stencilled on the front and a handwritten address on the back. 

_ “You didn’t need to send an official invite, Mother.” - “Don’t be silly, dear, of course I did!”  _

At least she had signed it with,  _ Love, Mother  _ instead of her usual beautifully curved signature. 

Their annual meeting usually lay somewhere between a family get-together and a political meeting. Essek was not a fan. Standing around, eating the most expensive hors d'oeuvres on this side of the wastes, and letting himself be chatted up by several aunts who asked about his careers with jealous interest and uncles who asked about his love life with jovial glee and barely concealed curiosity that always tip-toed on the verge to rudeness, if Essek was to judge. 

Especially since Verin had started bringing plus ones- oh, the comments Essek had to endure now:  _ “You’ll find someone too.” “It’s going to be your turn soon as well I’m sure.” “You know, Clythra of Den Olios is very influential, and she’s your age, I could introduce you to her-”  _

Just the memory of it made Essek pinch the bridge of his nose. The only thing he could do without being impolite in these situations was fake a smile and tell them that he was focusing on his career at the moment. Which wasn’t even a lie. 

What annoyed him most about it was that people seemed to see having a partner as some sort of accomplishment. Essek didn’t miss the appreciative glances thrown at Verin and his girlfriend, Astra. The same people only had pitiful smiles for Essek, it seemed. 

He could imagine their talk, too, as he thought bitterly to himself, about how he was always too busy and too serious and too picky and maybe, just maybe, unloveable.

Essek only realized how hard he was clenching his teeth when a jaw muscle popped quietly. 

No. 

This time, he wouldn’t go through this humiliation again. If they wanted to talk, he’d give them something to talk about. He was better equipped for this now. 

He had friends now. 

And those were the kinds of things friends helped you out with, right? 

\--

As soon as Essek knocked on the door of, what his friends had so eloquently named, the “Xhorhouse” in their typical manner, he wasn’t so sure anymore. 

But it was too late now, he was here. 

They owed him a favor or two, anyway. 

The door opened with the clanging of the bell, revealing a peacefully smiling Caduceus. “Oh, a visitor, how nice.” 

“Hello, Caduceus. Sorry to come by unannounced, may I come in for a second?” 

“Of course.” The firbolg stepped aside and invited him in with a broad smile, then called over his shoulder, “Beau, put one more plate on the table, we have a guest.”

“A guest?”, Beauregard’s voice was quickly followed by the monk herself, poking her head through the doorway. “Essek, hello.” The sight of her still gave Essek a bit of a wobble of insecurity- after the initial situation at the peace talks, Beau had been very reserved and distrustful towards him, and it still hadn’t faded fully. He couldn’t blame her. Lately, though, it seemed like she had decided that every second he spent with them was another second that they could keep an eye on him and prevent him from committing treason again.

Essek awkwardly gave her a little wave, and dropped his levitate spell, sinking to his feet as gracefully as possible. “Sorry for coming by unannounced-”

Beauregard gave him half of a lopsided grin. “Don’t worry, man- CALEB! ESSEK’S HERE!” 

Three different voices answered “Essek’s here?” “Essek- ah shit, I’m in the bath-” “Essek!!!!!” from the upper level of the house. Chaotic as it was, it brought a small smile to Essek’s face and a still unfamiliar feeling of warmth to his heart. 

“Hello.”, he gently called up the stairwell, and was immediately met with Jester barrelling down the stairs and enveloping him in a tight hug. 

“Essek! Oh my gosh it’s so good to see you, why didn’t you say you were coming, are you staying for dinner?” 

Before Essek could even reply to that, he spotted Caleb at the top of the stairs over Jester’s shoulder, wearing a cozy jumper, a book clutched in his hands, smiling at Essek.

“Hello, Caleb.”

“Hello, Essek, nice to see you.”

Essek ignored the giggle that Jester let out and the scoff from Beau. They were dead set on pushing him and Caleb together, it seemed, like children. Caleb usually ignored it, and so Essek did the same. Although it was not like he did not … notice it. 

“I just wanted to come by because I have… a request for you.”, he explained, taking a step back from Jester who skipped around him to help Beau set the table. 

“Can that be talked about over dinner?”, Caduceus asked, “Because it’s ready and I’d rather talk sitting down, I don’t know about you.” 

“We’ve got some really good wine.”, Beau added, pointing at Essek as if to pin him down. 

Essek looked at her for a moment before glancing up to Caleb who was now coming down the stairs. 

“...you’re not getting out of dinner with us now.” Caleb patted his shoulder and gave him a wink as he walked by him towards the dining room. 

Essek suppressed a sigh. Surely there were worse fates than this. 

\--

A few minutes later, Essek found himself squeezed in between Caleb and Jester, opposite of a slightly grumpy Veth with still dripping wet hair. Fjord and Yasha had also joined them, and so the Mighty Nein were complete. It was a bit hard for Essek to categorize the feelings that this gave him, to sit at the table with them like he actually belonged. For now, he filed them under “good”. 

Before he could even get to why he’d come, they were already talking over each other, loudly telling stories of their latest adventure and Caduceus’ new plants and Jester’s poor, frazzled looking weasel who had apparently gotten a bath. Essek decided to simply eat his soup and listen, nodding along with a smile. They had to get it out of their system.

It was nice, first of all, that they were still talking to him  _ at all _ , and second of all, that they still seemed to actually  _ want  _ to talk to him. It settled a little bit of the insecurity and the guilt he’d been trying not to feel. 

“Enough of our business now.”, Fjord eventually intercepted in a brief pause between tales, “Why did you come over in the first place, Essek?”

They all went quiet immediately, and Essek suddenly felt like a bug under a magnifying lense. The temptation to just lie and say he wanted to see his friends was big in this moment, but he had promised himself that he wouldn’t lie to his friends ever again.

“I… I actually have a favor to ask.” 

The reaction at the table was inevitable and it stung. Smiles grew wary and both Beauregard and Veth crossed their arms immediately, Veth sizing him up with a critical look.

“What kind of favor?”

Essek felt the blood shoot into his cheeks- by the luxon, this had been a terrible idea. But it was too late now. 

“I… my Den’s annual meeting is coming up, and I need a plus one, to put it simply.” 

The Nein still all stared at him, brows furrowed. 

“Is it a political meeting?”, Caleb asked.

“It’s more of a family get-together, to be honest.”, Essek confessed, feeling very sheepish. 

“But why do you need someone to go with you?”, Jester asked, scrunching up her nose.

Well, there it was. Essek fidgeted with his sleeve before he replied, as dignified as possible, “Frankly, because I am tired of my family’s burning questions about why I never bring any company.” 

The resulting shriek Jester let out made him jump- and not only him it seemed. 

“You need someone to pretend to be your daaaaaaaate?” 

“...if you want to call it that.”, Essek pressed out, a pained expression settling on his face in addition to the heat in his cheeks. Jester seemed entirely too gleeful for this. “My family seems very concerned with the fact that I’ve never had a partner worth bringing to one of those events, and even though it’s not relevant for me, personally, I’m tired of their constant questions.”, he confessed. 

“They think you are of mating age?”, Yasha asked, causing Fjord to choke on his drink.

“Oh my gosh Essek that’s so romantic-”

Essek quickly cut Jester off with a hand in the air- “That’s really not what I’m going for, Jester, I just need someone to accompany me-” 

“Caleb, doesn’t that sound SO fun?” Jester couldn’t be stopped now. 

“Caleb, you look great in formal attire.”, Beauregard added, a smug smirk on her face. Oh, heavens, he should have known.

_ (In all honesty maybe he had known all along and was not exactly mad about this, but that was something else to think about when he wasn’t sat right next to Caleb) _

Caleb cleared his throat by Essek’s side. “Are there any requirements?”

“Does it matter if it’s a guy or a girl?”, Veth asked at the same time.

“No, it’s, um- it does not matter.”

“Well, who would you like to take with you most?”, Caduceus asked. 

“I- oh, I don’t- I don’t care, any of you really, I mean-” Essek wanted to swallow his tongue right now- this was not how he intended this conversation to go! However, things never went the way they were supposed to with the Mighty Nein involved, it seemed.

“Welllll, it should definitely be someone who, like, matches you…”, Jester mused, but Essek couldn’t help but notice the glance and smirk that her and Beau seemed to share. 

“And, like, someone who can convincingly act like they’re attracted to you.”, Beau added with a shrug.

“Which probably eliminates half of us.”, Fjord added to that, followed by a little, “No offense.”, in Essek’s direction.

“...none taken.” Both Yasha and Beauregard were more or less obviously not interested in men, Veth had a husband and Caduceus… well, Essek did not think that Caduceus was particularly attracted to anyone. As for Fjord himself, Essek wasn’t sure, but he did not want to pry either. 

“I really don’t want to impose, I was just thinking- but if none of you would be comfortable with such a thing-”

“Well, it’s just one evening, isn’t it?”, Caleb asked in his typical quiet voice. Essek gave a nod, forcing himself to look at the wizard. 

“Yes, just that one evening.” 

“I’ll do it.” Caleb’s voice was so quiet that it was barely audible over Jester’s loud planning and the other’s laughter and discussion.

Essek stared at Caleb, narrowly preventing his jaw from dropping open. He composed himself again quickly- no time for inappropriate gawking, and just gave him the most regal smile he could muster. “Thank you.” 

  
  


Caleb smiled back- Essek allowed himself one single second of admiring those bright blue eyes. 

“-but on the other hand, Fjord is really good with people!”, Jester concluded, having already counted reasons on her fingers, apparently. 

Caleb leaned forward. “Jester, we already cleared it up. I’ll go.” Essek noticed the twitch in Caleb’s jaw muscle as he seemed to steady himself for the response to that. 

“Oh!” 

“Are you sure, Lebby?”, Veth asked immediately, eyes darting between Caleb and Essek with that look that reminded Essek of the worst scoldings he’d received in his childhood. 

“Ja, of course. It’s just one evening.”

“OoooOOOooooohhhhh that’s so-”

Before Jester could finish that sentence, Fjord wrapped his arm around her and covered her mouth with his hand. “Lovely! Glad we found a solution to that!”, he said a tad too cheerfully. A second later, he winced when Jester bit him to get rid of his hand over her mouth. 

The Nein and their shenenigans. Essek, though still a little frazzled, felt a deep warmth in his heart for them. 

“Well, thank you, Caleb.” 

“No problem.” Caleb gave him another smile, and then turned back to his soup as if nothing had happened. 


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Caleb walks Essek home. Essek does some introspection.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Merry Christmas everyone! I hope you all have lovely holidays. The response to this fic is already blowing me away, thank you to everyone who left kudos or a comment! Enjoy chapter 2.

“Thank you for the meal.” 

It was much later than Essek had anticipated, but after him calling in his favor, the Nein had quickly roped him back into their discussions, and a few hours had passed. 

“Our pleasure. Always nice to have company.” Caduceus’ sentence was ended by a deep yawn. 

“I’ll be on my way now.” They’d all cleaned up the dishes together before migrating to what the Nein called the “Happy Room” with a bottle of wine. 

“It was nice haaaaving you, Essek!” Jester looked up from her sketch book where she’d been doodling for the past half hour, and gave him a sharp-toothed, broad smile. 

He smiled back at her. “It was nice being here. Have a good night.” 

Just when he got ready to start casting his levitate spell, Caleb stood from his place on the sofa. 

“...I’ll walk you home, if you’d like? I’ve been staying inside all day reading, I could use some fresh air.” 

“Oh.” Essek internally cursed his cheeks- they were blushing again. “We can do that.” After a second of hesitation, he added, “That would be nice.” 

All of their friends seemed to hold their breath as Caleb stepped over Yasha’s long, outstretched legs to get to Essek. “..I’ll be back in a few minutes.”

“You better be!” Veth stabbed the air in Essek’s direction with her finger accusingly, “...or I’ll string you up, I swear.” 

Essek just pressed his lips together and gave her a nod. She had every right to be suspicious of him, after all. 

“Veth, it’s okay. See you in a few.”

Caleb touched his elbow briefly as he walked by, leading them out into the entrance hall. 

\--

“I’m sorry about my friends.” was the first thing Caleb said after closing the door to the Xhorhaus. 

“Don’t be.” Essek finished his incantation, slowly rising a few inches off the ground, finding his balance through years of practise. “They have the right to be suspicious of me, and they simply mean well towards you.”

“They do mean well. And they’ll just… need some time.” 

“Understandable.” 

They fell into step next to each other. 

Essek felt the sudden urge to say something to break the silence between them that had dawned on them after the awkward good-bye. 

“Thank you, Caleb. For agreeing to come with me.”

“No worries, friend.” Caleb kept pace with Essek’s floating- they weren’t exactly going fast, and Essek had to admit, he enjoyed this leisurely pace- it meant more time with Caleb. “It’s just a family meeting, isn’t it? Not a fight or something dangerous.”

“Feels like it sometimes.”, Essek scoffed. 

Caleb chuckled, glancing over to Essek briefly. “That bad?”

Essek shrugged. “How much do you know about our society?”

Caleb looked at him again, this time obviously curious. “...a few things. Not very many, though.”

Essek took a deep breath, slowly clasping his hands under his mantle. “You probably know that Drow are matriarchal, right?” Caleb gave a short nod of affirmation, so Essek continued. “Our leaders are always female, in the Dens as well as the leaders of our country- even if they’re not female in body, they might be female in mind, you know, through re-birth and consecution.” Caleb nodded along, eyes glued to Essek’s face in this hunger for knowledge that was so deeply rooted in Caleb’s being. 

“It has gotten a little easier for men to actually accomplish something apart from being a partner to an important leader or a ‘brave soldier’ in the recent years”- Essek rolled his eyes, “...but most still stick to the old ways. Someone like me, ambitious, educated, and relatively young on top of that… I’m an outlier.” 

Caleb’s scoff startled Essek a bit, but Caleb quickly held up a hand. “Excuse me- I’m not laughing because it’s funny, it’s just… it can be quite the opposite in the Empire, it’s strange how different our two home countries are in so many things.” 

“That is true.”, Essek agreed. 

“But I do see where you are coming from. They judge you, right?”, Caleb asked. His voice was quiet and sincere.

“They do. And I know, bringing someone that I’m not really involved with-”, Essek almost bit his tongue, “-is a cop-out, but I’m so tired of their prying and their nosiness. It’s like they are looking for a reason something else is wrong with me, because I don’t seem like I’m looking for a partner.” 

Fortunately, Caleb was polite enough to ignore the “seem” part of that sentence. “That does sound infuriating. I’m glad I can be of help, then.”

“I appreciate it.”

They had almost reached Essek’s home. 

“Is there anything else I should know?”, Caleb asked after a moment of silence, and Essek’s stomach dropped. 

“What do you mean?”

Caleb eyed him briefly before saying, “Like, etiquette or other societal rules.”

“Oh.” Essek did his best to quickly regain his composure. He had to really stop showing so much- he wasn’t even sure where this insecurity came from right now. Maybe because he hadn’t been alone with Caleb since the forehead kiss? “I will send you some books on etiquette. There might be dancing, too, but we do not have to get into that.”

“Why not?” Caleb sounded amused, “Are you afraid I will step on your toes?” 

“I didn’t think you were interested in dancing.” Essek couldn’t help a little smile stealing onto his face at Caleb’s gentle teasing. “But we can arrange lessons.” 

He tried not to dwell on the thought of dancing with Caleb, being that close to him. 

As they reached the front of Essek’s house, Caleb stopped slowly at the gate. 

“Have a good night, Essek.” 

“You too, Caleb. And thank you again.” Essek traced the runes to unlock his front door without breaking eye contact with Caleb. 

“I look forward to it.”, Caleb said with the smallest hint of a lopsided smile, “ _ Gute Nacht. _ ”

“Good night, Caleb.” Essek watched as Caleb took a step back, hesitated for a split-second, but then turned around to start back towards the Xhorhaus.

Essek almost missed the next rune in his spell. 

\--

Inside, Essek allowed himself exactly one minute of leaning against the front door to catch his breath. 

He was getting the distinct feeling that he was in over his head. It wasn’t like the fact that Caleb had been so quick to agree to come with him was troubling him- quite the opposite actually. Essek was glad that it was Caleb, out of all of them. However, his own feelings concerning this, and Caleb as a whole, were the troubling factor. 

Right after meeting the Mighty Nein, Essek had registered Caleb as his “liaison”, the best chance to get a proverbial foot in the door through their shared interest in magic. But as Essek had found himself swept up in the unstoppable current of the Nein’s friendship, things had gotten slightly out of hand. The more time he’d spent with Caleb, the more he had gotten to know him, the harder it had become to keep this professional distance. 

Caleb was intelligent, an incredibly capable magician with the ability to focus deeper on his magic than Essek had ever seen. He had a thirst for knowledge, arcane and otherwise, and didn’t just settle for learning new things, but instead shaped the things he already knew, combining them to make his own spells and shape his magic to his own will and his own needs. 

On top of that, Caleb could be incredibly charming while still being genuine, something Essek envied him for just a smidgen. 

And, to round it all off, Caleb was very handsome. 

Essek felt himself blush just thinking that- humans were not common in Xhorhas, which gave them a sort of exotic air. His attraction to Caleb was not rooted in that, for sure, but it definitely contributed to it. Caleb’s milky skin, pink in some places, dotted with orange freckles, his fiery red hair and his eyes as blue as the lucidian ocean- Caleb was a picture painted in warm colors, so lively and beautiful. Essek had caught himself more than once imagining how it would feel to run his hands over Caleb’s warm cheek, to feel his stubble under his palm, and maybe, if he would be brave enough, to gently dig his fingertips into the patch of hair that sometimes peeked out of the top of Caleb’s shirt. 

One minute was over.

Essek let out a heavy exhale, pushing away from the door. He was definitely in over his head. 

\--

Right when he had gotten ready to lie down for his trance, an incoming sending spell tickled the back of his brain briefly before Jester’s voice gave him a start. 

“Hai! Just wanted to let you know that Caleb came back home safely, we thought you might wanna know!” There was little giggle that followed, before she continued, “It was really nice having you-” The spell cut out before she could finish her sentence, like they usually did. 

Essek closed his eyes for a moment, waiting for the inevitable second message. It came two seconds later. 

“-for dinner! I’m so happy you’re good now! Have a really good night, Essek, we love you, sleep well!” And then, whispered like it wasn’t meant for him, “How many more words do I-” 

Essek couldn’t help the grin spreading on his face. Jester’s messages, as… inappropriate as they could be sometimes, were endearing. 

“Thank you, Jester. I don’t know if ‘good’ is the right word, but I appreciate the faith in me. Good night.” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> please remember to leave a comment or kudos if you haven't already, it really means the world and lets me know what you think!


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Caleb has a sleepless night.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Merry Crisis once again, bees :) enjoy this chapter of angsty Widogast introspection. Thank you so much for all of your kind comments, they make my day a little brighter.

Caleb had stayed awake and read until his eyes kept falling shut and he dozed off with his book on his chest to make sure he was extra tired and sure to fall asleep. 

But the second he’d put away his book and lied down in his bed, a wave of thoughts came streaming back into his mind, waking him up more than he’d anticipated.

Essek’s request was on the forefront of his mind. 

Caleb did not regret saying yes, but right now, it was too easy to overthink it. 

Things with Essek were tricky, to say the least. After the peace talks, everything had settled a little bit, which was slightly unusual for the Mighty Nein- Caleb was honestly just waiting for another challenge to jump them out of the blue. They’d decided to give themselves some rest at the Xhorhaus, just a few days, or maybe weeks, to get things in order and to take a breath. 

They had chosen the Xhorhaus because a big portion of the group had wanted to keep an eye on Essek, which Caleb could understand. 

Their friend- Caleb refused to call him anything else but that- was technically still a liability… and a threat. Caleb had needed some time to sort his feelings on the matter out; Essek’s betrayal was a complicated thing to wrap his mind around. 

Opinions in their group still varied- from a very skeptical approach to “everybody deserves a second chance”. The one thing they agreed on, though, was that Essek needed to be watched over, in a way, until they could even start to trust him again.

Trust.

What a funny word. 

Caleb rolled over onto his back to stare at the ceiling. 

Just when he’d started to trust Essek, just when he’d gotten over the immediate suspicion that Essek might be the traitor, they’d found out the truth. Caleb remembered standing at the docks in Nicodranas, watching Essek transform into himself through Frumpkin’s eyes. The deep, gut-clenching betrayal he’d felt in that moment. 

And yet, he also remembered the pain on Essek’s face, the “Maybe you should try having friends.”. With every fibre of his being, Caleb was sure that none of that had been a lie. 

They’d changed Essek, for the better, just by providing friendship. And Caleb, having gone through the same process himself, knew how that felt- to suddenly have people rely on him, care about him, support him… love him. He knew how much friendship could change a person, could change their outlook on life. 

Essek was a war criminal, but so were they if anyone cared to look closely enough. Caleb had also betrayed his country, from an Empire point of view- was still in the process of, really. And he didn’t even regret it, not one bit. 

What Essek had done had come from a place of youthful arrogance, and a thirst for knowledge. How could Caleb not relate to both of those things? 

But people could better themselves. Funnily enough, Caleb thought, months ago he wouldn’t have thought that way. It was only thanks to his friends that his perspective on forgiveness had changed this much.

It was still hard to forgive himself- Caleb didn’t think he’d ever be able to. But he could start forgiving someone who had committed crimes so similar to his own, maybe. 

With a sigh, Caleb snapped his fingers. Frumpkin appeared right on his stomach, giving a little  _ meow  _ before drowsily rolling into a ball on his chest, head tucked under Caleb’s chin. Caleb ran his hands over Frumpkin’s back, scratching the fur gently until Frumpkin started purring. 

Why had it been so easy to say Yes to Essek’s request? Caleb wanted to say ‘Because someone has to keep an eye on him.’ or ‘To prove to him that we’re really friends.’, but he knew that neither of them were the full reason.

Again, another layer of complication in his feelings towards Essek. 

Essek was intelligent, ambitious, a very knowledgeable and powerful wizard. Caleb liked the intensity that seemed to be rooted so deeply in Essek’s character, and the self-confidence that he showed in his job.

But he also liked Essek’s softer side, the one that had only come out gradually in private, and that reminded Caleb that, even though Essek was over a hundred years old, he was still just a little older than Jester in drow terms. 

Caleb could also not deny that Essek was very handsome- pretty, even, when the light of a spell reflected in his purple eyes or when his perfectly styled hair got a little windswept. Caleb thought of Essek at the beach with his little parasol that Jester had made for him, and a small smile crept onto his features. 

There were many reasons why Caleb had so quickly volunteered to accompany Essek to this family gathering, and he couldn’t help but feel like it was just a little bit self-indulgent. 

But didn’t he deserve something self-indulgent for once? And if it served a different purpose at the same time, wasn’t that alright? 

Frumpkin on his chest let out a big sigh before gently batting Caleb’s hand with his paw- Caleb had stopped petting him. 

“Sorry, buddy.” 

Frumpkin gave a little  _ mew  _ in reply, and pushed his head against Caleb’s palm. 

Caleb scratched him behind his ear, watching as Frumpkin slowly closed his eyes with a content little huff. 

How strange it was, all the things he had faced in the past, and still, this- affection- was still so scary to him? 

Feelings could not be blasted with fireballs or disintegrated, for one. And they were something he had to face alone. Well, maybe not entirely, but mostly. 

With a sigh, Caleb reached over to his night stand to grab one of the books he kept on it. It was a romance novel Jester had given him- a true bodice ripper that was hopefully guaranteed to bore Caleb to sleep. And if not, maybe it was at least a little more entertaining than the books on Arcane Theory. 

It took him more than an hour to finally fall asleep. When he did, he dreamt of spinning ballrooms and Astrid‘s voice coming from Essek‘s mouth. 


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Essek thinks about family. Caleb has a chat with Beauregard.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Surprise! A bonus chapter because it's christmas and because the first one I posted today was so short. Enjoy!

The next day, Essek ordered half a dozen books on Dynasty culture to be delivered to the Xhorhaus, and then dove into his work. 

It was easy to bury himself in it until his thoughts of last night stopped distracting him. Once he found his focus, everything was fine. He didn’t stop for a break until several hours later, enjoying the quiet of his office. 

He even turned down a servant who came with lunch and tea. 

He worked and worked, and eventually, it was a gentle chiming sound that tore him out of his concentrated headspace- at first, it startled him until he recognized it: the telltale sound of the messaging system his family used for short messages. Oh, no. 

„My dear“, his mother‘s regal voice sounded in his head a moment later, „Please let me know if you have time to discuss some details about the festivities over dinner tonight. 8 o‘clock.“ 

Essek allowed himself a childish groan- luckily this system was an adaptation of the sending spell, and did not immediately require a reply. 

He pushed together his papers on the desk, fingers flexing slowly. He could imagine about a hundred different things he’d rather do tonight instead of having dinner with his family, especially because it was quite likely that his brother would be there as well. Perfect, flawless Verin. 

Essek wondered how they would like the idea of him bringing Caleb to the family meeting- the thought of it brought a grin to Essek‘s face. Hero of the Dynasty, empire citizen, human. Essek felt a childish, rebellious spark in his chest at that. 

„Mother, thank you for the invitation. I will be there at 8. I also have something to discuss with you.“ 

  
  


-

„What‘cha reading there?“ 

Beau poked her head over Caleb‘s shoulder, startling him slightly. Reflexively, he shut the book on the desk in front of him, causing Beau to lean in even further. She smelled like sweat and was radiating heat- she had probably just finished a workout. 

„It‘s just some of the books Essek sent.“

„Oh, let me see!“ With ease, she grabbed the book, reaching around him. Caleb let her.

It was quite amusing to watch her face go from triumphant and curious to confused and then annoyed. 

„Ah fuck, Undercommon.“ 

„Comprehend languages.“, Caleb replied, unable to keep a small, self-satisfied grin off his face. 

Beau groaned, and opened the book anyway. 

„...it does have illustrations.“

She studied the book for a minute, her eyebrows furrowing as if she was trying to make sense of the Undercommon letters. 

„We should really learn Undercommon sometimes.“ 

„Yeah.“ Caleb had actually considered that before as well- they were spending an awful lot of time in the Dynasty, after all, and it felt rude to always make everyone speak common for them. 

„...I mean, you should, especially, since it’s the language of your future husband.“ She tossed the book back at him with a grin. 

„Can you Deflect Missile a fireball, Beauregard?“ Caleb felt himself blush nonetheless. 

„I’m too fast for you anyway.“ 

She threw herself into the chair opposite of him, legs on the table. 

„Don’t drip on my books, sweaty.“ 

She flipped him off, and he gave her a smile. 

A silence fell over them. Caleb could sense that Beau wanted to say something, but he knew that her efforts to be more tactful caused her to take a little more time when wording certain things in her head. He simply flipped through the pages of the book again, finding the one he had stopped on before being interrupted. 

Eventually, Beau spoke up. 

„How do you feel about going to that thing with Essek?“ 

Caleb slowly looked up from a passage about proper table etiquette, meeting Beau‘s electric blue eyes. 

„Um. Alright, I think. Good.“

„Really? Is it like...“, she gestured, then stopped herself for a moment before continuing, „I know we joke about it, but you and him had this… thing going on before we found out he was the traitor.“ 

Caleb winced at the word- Beauregard was right, but still. 

„This, like, wizard-flirting-over-spells-thing, and I think we all kind of thought that something was going to come off of that eventually, I mean you…“, Beau gestured again, and then dropped her hands to her knees, looking at him, „...not to be all Jester about it, but you seemed happy when you were talking to him, somehow. Or, at least, less gloomy.“ 

„Did I?“

„Yeah. You and him, you have this same kind of intensity about your character when you talk about stuff, especially when it’s some arcane shit.“

She gave him a lopsided grin that faded after a moment.

„I’m just wondering how you’re doing, Caleb, seriously. All of it must have been really hard and we never like, properly talked about that aspect of it.“

That was true. Caleb lowered his glance away from Beau‘s eyes. 

„I think I am quite used to that aspect not working out for me at this point. So. I’m alright. There was…“ He hesitated- how to put this into words? „...Essek is a special person. I think he and I had a connection from the start.“ He paused, fidgeting with his hands. „I know you don’t, but I do understand why he did what he did. It’s exactly the kind of thing young me, pre-Nein Caleb, would have done given the chance.“ 

Beau shifted, but her face stayed thoughtful. 

„...it does make things quite complicated, though, for many reasons.“

„Hm.“

„I don’t know, Beauregard. I think I do want to spend time with him.“ 

„It seemed like it the other night.“, Beau said, resting her chin on her knees which she had tucked up. 

She opened her mouth slowly, and after a moment of hesitation, said, „...you know that I in particular have a hard time trusting him… especially with… people in your past life having been shitty to you…“

„Shitty is one way to put it.“

„Shitty. Awful. Abusive.“ Beau picked at a scab on her shin. „...point is, I just don’t want you to get hurt any more than you’ve already gotten hurt. I don’t trust him. Yet. I don’t know if I will ever be able to again, to be honest, Caleb.“ 

She pushed her hand into her hair, causing a few strands to fall out of the Circlet. Caleb watched how they unfurled and stuck to her still-sweaty forehead. 

„I’m really conflicted about it, like, I’m not… your mom or something, but you know that you’re important to me, and on one hand, I really want you to be happy, but on the other hand… I don’t trust him, you know?“ 

„...it’s just one night, Beau.“ Caleb reached across the table vaguely, „I appreciate your care, but it’s one night.“ 

Beau‘s jaw worked as she considered his hand. „Is it really, though?“

„I don’t even know if he sees it as something more than that.“ 

Beau sucked on her teeth. „The way he looks at you when you talk to him-“

„Beau-“, Caleb interrupted her, „Please. I will deal with it like it is just one night. And we will see how it goes. And please don’t get me wrong- I don’t trust him completely either. But I also know first hand how it feels to be friends with you all. It’s changed my life.“

Beau didn’t reply anything to that, she simply sat there, chin still on her knees, contemplating. 

„One night.“, Caleb added softly, „I’ll allow him that. Him and me.“ 

„...one night. But… if anything seems shady, you leave immediately, okay?“ 

„Ja, Schwesterchen.“ 

„What does that mean?“

„Sister.“ 

„Aw, shut up.“ Beau, grin and voice a little wet, stood from her perch on the chair to come over to Caleb’s side. „I‘m hugging you now.“

„You’re sweaty.“

„That’s your problem.“


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Essek has dinner with his family.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Enjoy this incredibly tense and awkward family dinner scene, how fitting for the holidays lol

„Mother. Lovely to see you.“ 

Essek slowly descended to his feet after the door closed behind him. 

„My dear.“ His mother blew a kiss at him- she was seated at the head of her dining table already, dressed in one of her slightly less elaborate gowns, silver and smoke-gray. Her brilliant white hair, exactly the same color as Essek‘s, was tied into a high, tight ponytail, very fashionable since the Bright Queen wore hers like this. 

„Take a seat. Your brother seems to be late.“ A slight crease on her forehead signaled that she highly disapproved of that. Essek felt a childish triumph in his chest. 

Essek took a seat on her left side. A servant, almost as invisible as an arcane one, poured him some wine. 

„How is work, dear?“

„All is well.“, Essek replied neutrally, „Calmer since the war has ceased.“ 

His mother nodded sagely. „We will see how long that lasts.“ 

Essek had to suppress an eyeroll. „Quite some time, I hope.“ 

His mother gave a noncommittal shrug, but before they could get into an argument, Verin was led into the dining room by a servant. 

„Mother, Brother! It’s good to see you!“ The worst part was that Verin always sounded like he meant it. He was still wearing most of his armor from work, a shiny, polished breastplate with a few nicks here and there. He’d obviously left his longsword by the door- mother didn’t appreciate weapons inside the house ever since that incident with the vase. 

„You are late.“ 

„I know, I apologize, I went to see Astra right after work before I came here.“ 

At the mention of Astra, Verin‘s girlfriend, their mother‘s frown softened a bit. 

„Well, sit down, now.“ 

„Hello brother.“ Verin reached out to ruffle Essek‘s hair on his way to his seat- Essek ducked out of the way just in time. 

„Hello, Verin.“

Verin took a seat on their mother’s other side, opposite of Essek, giving him a smirk. Essek couldn’t help but notice how tousled his hair was- Verin wore it in typical Drow fashion, long and in a braid. But strands were falling out of it, and one was carelessly tucked behind his ear. It made Essek want to reach out and fix it, comb it all neatly back, like he used to when Verin had been little. 

“How are the party preparations going, mother?”, Essek asked as a servant poured Verin some wine as well.

“Everything is going well, thank you.” 

“Splendid.”

“As usual, the guest list is the trickiest part,” his mother continued, and then, turning her gaze onto Verin, “Astra’s parents have finally replied to the invitation, by the way.”

Verin, mouth full of wine, gave a shrug. “I think they were a bit intimidated by it, mother. You can’t blame them.”

Astra came from a less influential, smaller Den, and had worked her way to her position in the Queen’s fiscal management. 

Deirta gave a small smile. “They should get used to it, with how things are going with you two.” 

Essek suppressed an eyeroll as Verin shrugged, his cheeks coloring the slightest bit. 

“We will see, mother. Give it some more time.” 

“À propos, Essek, dear.” 

Oh, to the Luxon. They hadn’t even started eating yet. 

“Yes, mother.” Essek steeled himself for the inevitable question of  _ Are you bringing someone this year?  _

“I talked to Chensandra Duendalos the other day, and she asked me if you had someone accompanying you. You see, her daughter Viertha is your age-” 

Essek almost coughed up his wine- he had not expected his mother to be  _ this  _ forward. “Mother, I don’t-” 

His mother held up a hand, “Let me finish, dear.” Verin on the other side of the table chuckled- Essek really wanted to throw a spell at him in that moment. Instead, he pressed his lips together, looking at his mother expectantly. 

“-I think you might have gone to school with her, actually.” Essek didn’t remember. “Anyway, I told her that would not be an option.” 

Essek felt his eyebrows shoot up far enough to probably touch his hairline. “Excuse me?”

“Yes, dear, I think we have all figured out by now that women aren’t your preference. So I talked about it with Chensandra, and she has a nephew, Cardan-”

“Mother!” Essek could not manage to control his voice right now, “You can’t just talk to people about my- my… romantic inclinations like that!” His stomach felt like it was filling with ice- the way his mother handled this like he was a child, still, unable to find someone-

“Don’t get upset, now.” 

On the other side of the table, Verin’s grin had turned into an awkward grimace of empathy. Essek wanted to tell him that he could go screw himself- like he’d know how all of this was for Essek. 

“It’s a bit hard not to get upset when you seem to offer me to your acquaintances like a piece of meat, Mother.” It strained him to keep his voice this calm and controlled. Essek swallowed hard, meeting his mother’s lavender eyes as level-headed as he could right now. 

“Don’t be ridiculous, Essek.” Deirta’s sharp voice cut through the air like diamond. “I am simply trying to get you to meet people. You work so hard, you barely go out, you don’t have any friends-”

“That isn’t true.”

“Mother…”, Verin tried to interject quietly, but Essek snapped at him sharply with, admittedly, misdirected anger. “This isn’t your business, Verin.”

“I know work keeps you busy, and you know I am very proud of you for it.” His mother placed both of her hands on the table, sitting up straight in all of her impressive presence. “But there has to be more to life than work, dear.”

“Isn’t that my decision, mother?”, Essek asked. His jaw was starting to hurt from the effort of trying to stay calm, trying not to embarrass himself further at this table. He quickly unclenched and rotated his wrist- he really could not show emotions like this in front of his family.

“It is your decision as long as it doesn’t affect the well-being of the Den.” His mother’s words cut through the air like a dagger.

The ice inside of Essek’s stomach grew sharp edges all of a sudden. His mouth tasted like iron. “Oh, is that what you are concerned about, mother? Your image? The way it looks that I don’t have a partner?” 

“You know, when I was your age, we didn’t have a choice at all-”

“Mother!” This time, Verin’s voice was louder, more resolute. Essek’s first instinct was to snap at him again, but when he saw the way Verin looked at their mother- brows furrowed deeply, his cheeks darkened in anger- the words wouldn’t come over his lips.

Deirta leaned back in her chair slightly, lips pressed together hard enough to make the blood faint from them. “Fine. But when people talk because you come alone again-”

“I’m not coming alone!” It exploded out of Essek, with much less dignity and triumph that he’d intended. “I’m bringing someone this year, Mother! Rejoice! You can be happy! Nobody will think I’m unlovable anymore! But they will still talk, because that’s what people _ do _ !” He hadn’t gone off at his mother like this since his teenage years, but that was what he was feeling like right now- a petulant teenager, trying to impress his mother. His hands were shaking- Essek quickly moved them to lie flat on the table. Verin and his mother were staring at him, Verin with surprise and, even worse, pity, and his mother with an icy expression.

“Well? Who is it?”, she eventually asked, voice dangerously controlled.

Essek slowly exhaled, straightening his spine. Composure. He needed to find his composure. He was an adult, damn it!

“Caleb. Caleb Widogast.”

“The _Empire_ _human_?!” Verin’s upper body shot forward in Essek’s direction, his eyes were wide. 

“Yes, the very Empire human who brought back one of the Luxons and was subsequently named hero of the Dynasty by the Bright Queen.” Essek finally managed to get his voice under control again. He did, however, still feel shaky inside, and the reveal had been much less triumphant than he’d hoped for- his mother could really ruin anything. His jawbone still hurt from clenching his teeth so hard.

Their mother remained silent. Essek looked at her, meeting her gaze- it cost a lot of nerves to do that. Her eyes were narrowed, her lips pursed slightly. 

“Well.”, she eventually said, voice even, “I see we had no need for such a pointless argument in the first place.” She half-turned in her chair, calling out to one of the servants who all stood pressed against the wall, looking like they were about to try and faint into it. “We are ready for the meal now.”

All Essek wanted to do was stand up and leave without another word.

Instead, he stayed, and ate dinner with his family in silence.


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Verin has questions. Caleb sets some boundaries.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Enjoy today's chapter! Thanks again for all of your amazing feedback :) Every comment just makes me so happy.

After some very stiff good-nights, Essek found himself on his mother’s doorstep, considering to waste a Teleport for the way home. All he wanted was the comfort of being alone.

Or, at least, away from his family. 

Wasting a spell slot to teleport home was foolish, he knew that, and so he started into his levitate with a sigh. 

_ “You don’t have to levitate around us!” _ , the memory of Jester’s voice said in his head. 

_ “You barely go out, you don’t have any friends-”  _ Essek shook his head, trying to get rid of the anger that surged inside him again as he remembered his mother’s words from before. It wasn’t true- he did have friends. 

Friends who did not fully trust him, for the most part, but friends, nevertheless. 

“Essek! Wait!” 

Oh, no. For a second, Essek considered just how rude it would be to teleport away  _ now _ , but before he’d finished the thought, Verin had caught up with him. 

“Hey. Can I walk with you for a little?” 

“Would you care if I said no?” Essek tugged on his sleeve of his mantle, mostly to have something to do with his hands. Verin fell into step with him easily, taking his usual long strides. 

“No.” Verin gave a little lopsided grin up at him, but it didn’t last long. “I’m sorry mother was so horrible to you tonight.”

“It’s hardly your fault, is it.”, Essek replied stiffly. 

“Still. She should have left it alone, I’m sorry we couldn’t have just a nice dinner.”

Essek bit back the  _ “When do we ever?”  _ on his tongue. “Well, as you saw, mother is very concerned with my love life. I’ve had similar conversations like this with her before, but this is the first time she went this far.”

Verin kicked at the ground awkwardly- it was infuriating how much he reminded Essek of the dopey, sweet teenager he’d once been in that moment. 

“It shouldn’t be her business.”

“You know mother, she thinks everything is her business.”

Verin scoffed at that, then looked up at Essek. The half-grin was back. 

“...I didn’t know humans were your type.”, he said after a pause.

“Oh, shut up.” Essek felt his cheeks heat up, but also a small smile creep onto his lips. “It’s nothing. He’s just a friend.”

“The way you’re smiling says that that’s a lie, brother.”

Essek turned his gaze onto Verin, giving him the strictest face he could, wiping that smile off his features. It was surprisingly hard. “You know I never smile. It’s part of my job.”

“Oh, maybe that’s why you’re single, because nobody ever sees you smile and they’re all too scared of you.”, Verin teased. 

“They should be, I’m quite powerful.”

“So is that Caleb, if what I hear is true.” 

Essek rolled his eyes. Interesting how much gossip there was, apparently. 

“He’s just a wizard. A very bright one, but just a wizard.”

“I can’t believe  _ you  _ are the one to make friends with the rag-tag adventuring group from the Empire who, by sheer coincidence, stumbled upon a beacon.”

“Perks of the job.”, Essek replied, but there was a weird spark of pride in his chest. Damn right. One time in his life, he got to be wilder than Verin. “Also, they didn’t just stumble upon it. They’re very capable.” 

Verin shrugged, and his smile faded into a more serious expression. “There are some people in the Watch who didn’t entirely believe that story.”

Essek turned his head sharply towards his brother. “They should be grateful. The Queen was.” 

Verin held up his hands defensively. “I agree with you- it doesn’t matter  _ who  _ found it, all that matters is that they returned it. I just want you to know- some people might not particularly enjoy the idea of your human at a Den gathering.”

Essek levelled his eyes on his brother. This was not surprising- a little inconvenient, but not surprising. If anyone would be stupid enough to attack Caleb outright, they’d regret that very quickly.

“I’m aware of that, brother. I simply do not care about those people’s opinions on my date.”  _ My date.  _

Verin let out a bellowing laugh. “I didn’t know you had such a rebellious streak in you!” 

Essek shrugged, unable to keep a small smirk off his face. 

“So-” Verin leaned in as they walked, his face conspiratory, “-is it true what they say about humans? That they can be very…  _ animalistic _ ?” 

“Oh, by the Luxon, Verin.” Verin’s laugh was loud enough to echo off the surrounding house’s walls. 

  
  


-

The next morning, Jester forced the Mighty Nein to go out for breakfast together. 

“You know, we kind of live here now, and we barely even know, like, the area! Restaurants! Bakeries!” 

After some research, they came upon a rather fancy-looking restaurant with a complicated name in Undercommon none of them could pronounce. Jester took one look at the menu and dragged them inside, claiming she had seen an entire section on baked goods on it. 

Caleb was immediately aware that they were out of place here. It was obvious the server recognized them somehow- they stuck out like nothing else in Rosohna- and even though he was awfully polite, they were lead to a more secluded area outside on a balcony. None of his friends seemed to mind, though, and so Caleb did not mention it. He wondered, though, for the n-th time, how they were perceived by the citizens of Rosohna. 

After the waiter took their order in charmingly broken common, their conversation turned to their plans for the coming weeks. They had meant to stay in Rosohna for a maybe three weeks, just to catch their breath and have some down time, which was a bit ironic since they had just returned from a tropical location. But all of them had things to do- Caleb himself had been fiddling with some new spell work for a while, and he was  _ this  _ close to actually mastering Teleport. Veth had popped in and out, visiting her family frequently. There had been a shopping trip or three (a lot of money to spend after Rumblecusp), and a lot of research into anything that involved nine eyes. 

But they still didn’t have an exact plan about what to do next, where to go- up north, for sure. But that was it. 

But if Caleb was honest, even though he was furiously curious about the nine eyes, the Astral City and everything else they had uncovered on Rumblecusp- winging it was what they did best. And whatever waited for them on the way there… Caleb looked down at his hands on the table- there was a bit of scarred skin peeking out from under his sleeve. 

Traveler Con had been a strange few days, for sure- but Caleb felt a fire burning inside himself at the memory of the conversations they’d had during and after.  _ You’re our home,  _ and  _ If it bothers you, it bothers me.  _

His past was still on his heels, haunting him, and the mere idea of working for the Assembly was frightening in a bone-deep way… but for the first time, he felt like maybe, this time around, he’d actually have a chance to make things right.  _ No more kids. _

“Caleb?” 

When he looked up, all of his friends were staring at him. 

“...what? Sorry, I was… lost in thought.”

“We were just talking about Eiselcross. Have you ever been there?”, Fjord said at the same time as Jester squealed: “What’re you thinking about? Esseeeeek?” 

Caleb ignored her to shake his head at Fjord. “No, I’ve never been.” 

He saw Jester and Beau exchanging a look, brows raised. He was pretty sure the two of them had a bet going on about him and Essek, and he wasn’t sure how to feel about that. 

The conversation carried on, and Caleb made sure to participate this time. 

\--

Later, when they left the restaurant, bellies full of Xhorhassian pastries and other breakfast foods, Jester sidled up to him as they walked, hooking her arm through his and smiling up at him.

“Hey, Caleb.”

Caleb indulged her with a smile. “Hey Jester.”

“Soooo, I was wondering, do you have an outfit for the party yet? Because I totally could paint you something!”

“I have a very nice outfit that you bought for me some time ago.” 

Jester cocked her head with an unconvinced expression. “But Essek knows that one already.” Before Caleb could comment on that, she tapped her chin. “For a date like that you should go all out, you know what I mean?! Who knows when we’ll come back once we set off!”

_ If  _ we come back, Caleb thought to himself. “...it’s not a date, Jester.”

“Yes it is!”, she said with such conviction that it actually made Caleb laugh a bit. “Of course it is, Caleb! Essek is  _ obviously  _ in love with you-”

Caleb could feel his smile freeze and then vanish from his face, and he knew from Jester’s expression that she did, too, her own smile turning into big, sad eyes as Caleb looked away, clearing his throat. 

“Maybe we can take it slow with all of that, Jester.”

“Sorry.”, she said quickly, ducking her head a bit. “...it’s just- I think he really likes you, Caleb. Like, the way you are.” She grimaced, and added, “And I know he’s like a-”, her voice dropped to a whisper, “-traitor, and that’s like  _ really  _ bad but I do think he genuinely feels bad for it and I think you’re a really big reason of why he feels bad- and I don’t mean that in, like, a negative way, I think you just give him a reason to want to be better.” She took a deep breath, and then said, more quietly, “...and I think that’s really nice and sweet and romantic. And I just want you to be happy.” 

She squeezed his forearm, leaning into him a bit. 

“I know you do, Jester.” Caleb paused, trying to think of a way to say this tactfully. “...and I appreciate your… enthusiasm. But I need to figure all of this out for myself, first. It has been a while since… that sort of thing was in my life.” Half of his life time ago, actually. 

Jester gave a thoughtful nod. “I’m sure you’ll do just fine, Caleb.”

“Thank you for your confidence in me.” 

“We’ve been friends for pretty long now, Caleb, and I know you’re funny, and really really smart, and kind, and a really good wizard and very handsome-”

“You’ll make me blush.”

“Well, it’s just the truth, though, right? You’re lovable.” 

Warm tea spreading all through his insides. Caleb felt his cheeks heat up. “...thank you.” 

“You’re welcome, Caleb.” Jester skipped a bit, the heels of her boots clicking against the cobblestone. “Now, about that outfit-”


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A letter arrives.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm an idiot and this chapter should have been part of the last, but whatever. It didn't feel right to tack it onto the next one, so this one's short. Sorry! Also, we're abolutely going over 15 chapters.

When they arrived back at the Xhorhouse, Jester found a letter in their mailbox- sometimes, her mother sent letters here now, and so she periodically checked it. But this one was addressed to Caleb, his name written on the envelope in elegant, neat handwriting Caleb immediately recognized from notes in his spell book.

“Why didn’t he just send a message?!”, Jester asked, a bit disgruntled. 

“Maybe some people don’t like just projecting their thoughts into people’s heads.”, Fjord suggested, and pulled her from the hallway into the happy room, so Caleb could read the letter in peace. 

_ Caleb- _

_ I hope this letter finds you well.  _

_ If you would still like some dance lessons, I invite you to join me for dinner tonight so we can go over some additional details about the party and everything it entails. Please let it be known that this is entirely voluntary- however, I do have to admit that I would find joy in spending an evening with you.  _

_ -Essek _

Caleb couldn’t keep a smile off his face.


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A start to a special evening.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> surprise chapter! Since the last one was so short because of a stupid mistake on my part lol. Enjoy :)

Essek had felt almost indecent when he wrote that letter. 

He had written a few words, scrapped them, re-written… countless times. In the end, he’d simply sent it after reading through it once more, afraid he might stop himself if he read it more than once. 

After, he dove into work head-first to keep himself from overthinking. 

But there was only so much work to do, and once he was done with it, Essek found himself restless. He tried to tinker with a spell he’d been working on for some time, tried researching a potion he’d been meaning to brew for a while, and even wandered his garden, inspecting the plants that grew there, almost all of them to be used as ingredients in potions. There was still a dent in the middle of the garden from when the Mighty Nein had taken some of the clay for Veth’s transformation. 

“I didn’t know that gardening was a hobby of yours.” Caleb’s voice startled Essek hard enough that he almost dropped his levitate spell. He quickly caught himself, and turned, as poised as he could. 

“Caleb.”

“Excuse me if I intruded, but I saw you wandering the garden from outside the fence.” 

“No, it’s alright.” Essek felt an involuntary smile spread on his lips. 

Caleb stepped closer, inspecting the plants by Essek’s feet. “I didn’t know you had such an extensive collection. Last time we were here, I didn’t really have time to look.” 

Essek remembered the intensity in Caleb’s face that had been there throughout that entire day when they’d first tried the ritual. “Feel free to take a look now.”

Caleb slowly crouched down, running a careful finger over a valerian leaf. Essek’s eyes hung on that finger as it gently traced the shape of the plant. 

“Very useful for Sleep potions. And generally any potion to calm the nerves, really.” He didn’t say that it was also used in a variety of love potions- not that he had ever brewed one of those.

Caleb hummed and gave a slow nod. “Potion brewing wasn’t a big part of my curriculum back at school, but I remember a few things. I’d like to know more, though.” He looked up at Essek with this knowledge hungry, intense expression on his face. “Maybe you could teach me some time.” 

Essek gave him a little smile. “Maybe I can.” 

Caleb slowly lowered his head a bit and inhaled some of the plant’s scent. 

“...sometimes, we were given tea made of valerian after missions.”, he said, voice lower. “Like you said, to calm the nerves.”

Essek felt his smile drop. He didn’t know what to reply to this reminder of Caleb’s terrible past. After a beat of silence, he asked: “Did it work?” 

Caleb shrugged, and slowly rose back to his feet, wiping his hands on his pantslegs. Like this, with Essek levitating, they were almost the same height. “I don’t remember, to be honest.” 

There was a hardness around his mouth as he clenched his jaw for a moment, before letting out a breath. “...excuse me, I’ve made things awkward.” The charming smile Caleb put onto his face like a mask almost wiped Essek off his feet, even if he knew that it wasn’t genuine. 

“No need for apologies. I would like to hear more about your past, if I’m honest, Caleb. But I understand if it’s hard for you to talk about it.”, Essek said, meaning it.

“How about dinner first?”, Caleb asked, an amused edge in his voice. Essek felt his cheeks heat up. 

“Of course. Come.” 

He led Caleb into the mansion. A savory smell was already wafting through the halls. 

“It smells lovely in here.”, Caleb commented as Essek led him into the sitting room. 

“Thank you. I told my cook to avoid any dishes that might not be entirely… digestible for a human stomach.” Essek gestured to one of the elegant couches in the sitting room. “Please, sit.” 

Caleb gave a little laugh as he sank down onto one of the couches. “You would be surprised about the strange things I have eaten while travelling.” 

Essek took a seat opposite of him. “Correct me if I’m wrong, but I assumed some Xhorhassian dishes wouldn’t exactly be healthy for humans to ingest. I hear we like our meats a bit more raw than most humans.” 

“Most humans, yes, but I assure you there are humans who would happily enjoy their steak as bloody as you do.”, Caleb explained, leaning forward a bit. And just like this, they were involved in a proper conversation. The ease with which they fell into it still amazed Essek. 

\--

A servant brought wine, and they enjoyed a glass before dinner. Essek drank slowly, not wanting to drink too much too fast on an empty stomach and embarrass himself.

Their conversation soon moved from human cuisine versus drow cuisine to other topics, and eventually settled on Dynasty etiquette. 

“I’ve read the book you sent me.”, Caleb told him. There was just a little bit of color in his cheeks from the wine, pink spreading across his white skin under his freckles. 

“Did you find it helpful?” Essek leaned back in his seat a bit. “I know it’s a bit… dated.” 

Caleb smiled down at his wine glass, tracing a finger across the rim of it. Again, Essek’s eyes stuck to that finger like glue. “I actually found it very interesting to learn more about your culture and traditions.”

Oh, by the Luxon, why did Caleb have to be so charming? 

“A lot of it is very different to what I am used to.”, Caleb explained, looking up at Essek with his bright blue eyes. “It’s fascinating. I think I’ve learned a lot about how rude our behaviour must seem to the people here.” 

Essek couldn’t help but laugh softly. “I think people will forgive the heroes of the Dynasty.” 

“I hope so.” Caleb returned Essek’s smile. “...but I want to do better at your family gathering.” 

There it was. Essek quickly nodded. “I’m sure you will do great, Caleb. And even if you don’t it’ll be fine- people will blame me, not you.”

“I don’t want to embarrass you.”, Caleb said quickly, fiercely enough to make Essek’s heart miss a beat. 

“It’s a good thing you’re here tonight, then.”, Essek said idly before he could stop himself. Caleb cast down his eyes, still smiling.


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Caleb and Essek have dinner and talk family.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the late posting, it's my husband's birthday today :) Enjoy this dinner party chapter! I had so much fun writing it.

Seeing Essek in his home still felt intensely private to Caleb, in the nicest way possible- it had always meant that Essek was letting down his walls.

Caleb let his eyes rest on Essek. He sat opposite of Caleb in one of the undoubtedly very expensive couches, legs crossed elegantly. Almost everything about Essek was elegant- controlled, measured, and very much restrained. This restraint made every laugh, every slightly indecent comment, every time Essek’s cheeks darkened even more impactful, stirring something that Caleb had buried deep inside of himself years ago. He watched Essek’s tongue dart out to absent-mindedly catch a drop of wine from his finger in the middle of a sentence. 

With Astrid and Eodwulf, it had never really been like this. They’d grown up together, and their childhood friendship had organically grown and blossomed into more over time- but Caleb still remembered the first few stolen glances, the tension, the sleepless nights with butterflies in his stomach with thoughts in his head that had lit a fire in his stomach. 

That same fire was starting to kindle in his chest now.

The subtle chime of a bell interrupted their conversation. 

“Dinner is ready.” Essek slowly rose from his seat, and Caleb followed. 

Essek led him into a room he’d never seen before- a tastefully decorated dining room in muted colors, with very elegant, slim furniture, and flowers that looked suspiciously empire-grown in a spotlessly clean glass vase. 

One wall was adorned with an enormous portrait of what was, Caleb assumed, Essek’s family: sat in the middle of the arrangement was an impressive drow woman with a very strict expression and very big hair. By her side stood a male drow, long hair braided intricately, with one hand on the woman’s shoulder and an Aurora Watch helmet under the other arm. The couple was flanked by two maybe teen-aged boys- one looked almost exactly like the man, even down to the hair, and the smile the artist had caught to give him a sort of mischievous, boyish air. The other boy resembled the woman much more, but he also stuck out- his hair was much shorter, even if not as short as Essek wore it now- and his expression was… serious. Almost harsh, compared to the soft smile on the other boy. 

Essek followed Caleb’s eyes to the portrait, and from the pull of his shoulders, Caleb could tell that it made him uncomfortable. “My lovely family.”

Caleb didn’t miss the bitterness in his voice. 

“Very fitting.”, Caleb commented as they took their seats. It felt presumptuous to tell Essek his family looked ‘nice’- Caleb didn’t know them, and it was clear that Essek had a very complicated relationship with them. 

“Fitting?” Essek cocked an amused eyebrow at him.

“Yes, well, they look very much like I would imagine your family looked. You look like your mother.” 

Essek’s expression changed into disdain so fast that Caleb couldn’t help but laugh. 

“Apologies, is that not a good compliment?”

Essek quickly rearranged his features into a more pleasant expression. “I wouldn’t exactly call it a compliment- doesn’t every little boy want to inherit his father’s handsome features?” The bitterness in his voice was back. Caleb, for a second, was taken aback by how that flipped the values he was used to upside down. 

“That fierceness in your mother's eyes, I’ve seen that on your face before.”, he said gently. Essek slowly turned his head to look at him, the taut skin around his mouth softening. “That...regality.” Caleb gestured towards the painting. “That’s you.”

Essek was quiet for a moment, seemingly caught off guard. Then, he tore his eyes away from the painting, and gestured to the table. “Let’s sit down.” 

Caleb didn’t miss the way his face had darkened a shade, right on the apples of his cheeks. 

He took a seat at the table, and so did Essek, opposite of him. Like this, they were closer together than they had been before in the sitting room. 

A drow servant brought more wine, and water, and the first dish- some kind of root vegetable in a hearty sauce that smelled of wine and spices. After the servant had put down the plates in front of them- Caleb made sure to look her in the eyes as he thanked her- she all but vanished. 

Caleb lifted his glass at Essek with a smile. “Thank you for the invitation.” Then he said a word he had learned recently: it was an expression in Undercommon that was typically used before a meal with a friend or family, meaning something along the lines of “Let wine and words flow freely.”. 

Essek’s face lit up at that, and he let out a little laugh before replying with the same word back as he toasted to Caleb. 

“Are you trying to learn Undercommon?”, he asked as Caleb put down his wine glasses. 

Caleb shrugged. “It is a beautiful language. And it feels rude to make everyone around us speak Common to accommodate us.” 

“I could teach you some useful phrases sometime.”, Essek offered, looking at Caleb across the rim of his wine glass.

“The list of things you need to teach me is getting longer and longer.”, Caleb replied, unable to keep an amused edge out of his voice. Essek’s blush immediately came back full force.

“I’m sure there is a lot  _ you  _ could teach  _ me _ as well.” Essek’s tone matched Caleb’s, just as teasing. Caleb cocked a brow at him, smile turning into a knowing grin. His cheeks were starting to hurt from all this smiling.

“May I ask you something?”, Essek said after a beat of silence. Caleb gave a nod, the fire in his chest flickering nervously. 

“What do you friends think about... “, Essek hesitated, “You accompanying me to my family gathering?” Caleb got the distinct feeling that Essek had meant to say something else, but didn’t pry. 

“Beau is skeptical. Jester is elated. The others… I don’t know. I think they do trust me to make my own decisions, but I also think they will definitely come for vengeance if something were to go wrong. Especially Veth.”

Essek nodded slowly, thoughtfully, spearing a slice of the root vegetable on his fork and bringing it to his mouth. Caleb did the same- flavour exploded in his mouth, savory, warm, delicious. He let out an involuntary noise of enjoyment that seemed to pull Essek out of his thoughts, making him laugh softly. 

“Do you like it?”

“I do.”

Essek inclined his head, obviously pleased. A strand of his silvery-white hair fell out of the artfully arranged coif and into his eyes. Caleb found himself wanting to push it back behind Essek’s ear. 

They talked about this and that during the first course, but when both of them were done, Essek put his fork down pointedly, looking up at Caleb. 

“I supposed we should talk about what you’re to expect from being my…”

“Your fake date?” 

“I was going to say, plus one, but sure.” Essek gave an indulgent smile, then drew a breath. “My family isn’t racist, not excessively I guess.” Caleb laughed softly as Essek’s full lips curled into disdain briefly. “They might, however, struggle with the idea of me bringing an  _ Empire human _ . So, please forgive any snide remarks- I will try to keep them at bay.” 

For a second, Caleb found himself wondering about how his parents would react to him bringing home Essek- probably similar to what Essek had described. The thought hurt too much to finish, though.

“I think my mother is just glad I finally seem to… have found someone willing to go  _ anywhere  _ with me.” Caleb didn’t miss the miffed tone in Essek’s voice, “...my brother is elated.”

“He might get along well with Jester.”

“Oh, heavens, please let them  _ never  _ meet.” Essek held up his hands, “That would end in chaos. Pure chaos.” 

“So.” Caleb leaned back as a servant took his empty plate, giving a brief ‘thanks’, “Am I to be handsome decoration for you? A political statement? Or will they expect us to be more than that?”

The blush spreading on Essek’s cheeks was endearing. “I haven’t specified anything with them.” He paused, and Caleb couldn’t tear his eyes away from Essek’s mouth, bottom lip being worried at by perfectly white, sharp teeth. Gods, the wine was really working now.

“I read up on the courting system.”, Caleb supplied helpfully. Essek took a big gulp of wine at that, and then put down his glass with extreme care. Drow society, especially higher class drow society, had a complex, multi-step courting system- from a few things Caleb had seen before, he was quite sure that not all of the Drow followed it, but he was also quite sure that it might be something that was expected for someone of Essek’s standing.

“Yes.” Pause. “They might, possibly, assume that we’re… courting.” Essek said it in the same way he might say “vomit” or “minotaur dung”. 

Caleb couldn’t help but smile- it was oddly sweet. The courting system was extremely detailed, and steps varied from love letters to asking for approval from the courtee’s mother. It even included additional steps for young couples. 

“Wouldn’t that have to be officially confirmed, though?” He’d done his research.

Essek shook his head- his dark skin hid the blush relatively well, but Caleb was somehow sure that, if he were to have light skin like Caleb’s, he’d positively be glowing right now. “They might assume I just kept it a secret.” Essek paused again, and when his eyes met Caleb’s, they were filled with doubt. “...does that change anything for you? If you’re uncomfortable with the idea-”

“No, it’s alright, Essek.”, Caleb said a little bit too quickly. 

„Good.“, Essek said just as quickly. 

Fortunately, the main course arrived in that moment: some type of meat that looked like a particularly thick steak to Caleb, served with an almost black sauce at the side, and some type of bread that smelled like spices and seemed like it had been fried in oil. 

„Do you want to know what kind of meat this is  _ before _ or  _ after  _ you‘ve tried it?“, Essek asked, tongue in cheek. 

„That question worries me a bit.“, Caleb confessed and took up his fork, „But maybe I’ll try it first without any preconceived ideas.“ 

„Go ahead.“

The meat was tender and tasted almost like beef, with a hint of earthiness. Essek watched intently as Caleb tried it, trying to read his features. 

„It’s good. What is it?“

„Purple worm.“, Essek answered the question. 

Caleb was speechless for a moment, and his expression seemed to amuse Essek. “I didn’t know you could eat those.”

“The meat has to be prepared correctly, of course.”, Essek explained, “Do you like it?” 

Caleb tried another bite. The taste was fine, it was just a little weird to know what it had come from. On the other hand, he’d eaten rats and squirrels before. “I like it.”

Essek’s expression became a tad triumphant, and he began eating as well. “I’m glad.” 

“Yasha would love it, I think.”, Caleb smiled, thinking of spider legs. “She loves bugs and those big spiders.” 

“Giant spiders?” Essek pulled a face that was so disgusted that it made Caleb laugh. 

“You don’t enjoy those?”

Essek shook his head. “No, I don’t like foods that have the potential of giving you intense food poisoning.” 

Caleb laughed. “Jester had a run in with that some time ago.”

“Ugh, poor her.” 

It occurred to Caleb, in this moment, how this was the longest stretch of time they had ever talked about something other than magic, politics or a mission. 

It was lovely. 


	10. Chapter 10

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A dance lesson with an unexpected ending occurs.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey y'all :) thanks again for all the amazing feedback! If you want to find me on tumblr, it's [marmeladednd](https://marmeladednd.tumblr.com/)
> 
> Enjoy today's chapter!

They were eating and talking and the tension he’d felt before was slowly seeping out of Essek. Caleb was an incredible conversationalist. Essek wondered how much of it was his training, and hoped that none of it was. It was selfish- this wasn’t  _ really  _ a date, after all. It was just preparation for another thing that wouldn’t really be a date. 

Over dessert- frozen cream with berries- Caleb told him more about their time on Rumblecusp, the creatures they had encountered there and the cult they’d run into. Essek found himself positively hanging on Caleb’s every word. How lovely it must be to explore the world in such ways? When he told Caleb that, Caleb tilted his head a bit.

“You could, too.”

Essek hummed. “I have too many obligations here. And besides… I don’t know if I’m cut out for such an adventurous lifestyle. I’d probably be miserable if I couldn’t trance in a bed or had to eat roadside berries or whatever you live off when you’re out in the field.”

Caleb laughed. “Caduceus could make those roadside berries taste amazing, though.”

“I don’t doubt that.” Essek paused, tracing the rim of his wine glass. “...maybe I’m not brave enough to carry all my theoretical knowledge out into the field like you do.”

Caleb’s eyes followed Essek’s fingertip as it traced a slow circle. “Most of it is just… flailing around, hoping to hit something. And a healthy dose of luck.”

“I don’t believe that, Caleb. You’re an incredible wizard.” 

The little smile Caleb gave him across the table made Essek’s heart spark. “Thank you. But I wouldn’t have won a single fight without my- our- friends.”

“That’s fair, though, isn’t it?”, Essek asked, thinking of the Nein. “How nice it must be to know your friends have your back like that.”

Caleb hummed. “Maybe one day, you can accompany us on an adventure. A small one, maybe.”

“Baby’s first adventure?”, Essek asked, an involuntary laugh making its way into his voice. 

Caleb laughed as well; such a nice noise. “Something like that.” 

“Maybe one day.” 

A servant moved in to pour them some more wine, but Essek quickly covered his glass with his hand. “Thank you, I think I’ve had enough.”

Caleb also shook his head no politely on the other side of the table. “ _ Thank you. _ ”, he said in Undercommon, and the servant gave him a shy smile. 

“Tea in the sitting room, Shadowhand?”, she asked then, directed at Essek. Essek raised his brows at Caleb. 

“...unless you will be missed at home if you don’t return soon.” 

Caleb shook his head with a smile. “No. Jester might check in with me but I told them I might be late.”

It warmed Essek, oddly, to hear that. There was still something they had talked about, something that now seemed more and more tempting between empty plates and wine bottles. 

“Do you still want those dance lessons?” Essek bit his tongue the moment he said it- stupid. Silly. 

But Caleb simply inclined his head forward a bit. “If you’re not too scared that I will tread on your feet.” 

“You don’t dance?”

“Oh, I do. Just not very well.”

Essek felt his cheeks fill up with heat, in a pleasant way. “Surely that’s not true.”

“For you, I’ll try my best.”  _ For you. _

Essek looked up at the servant, who was politely waiting, the smile on her face barely concealed. 

“Yes, tea in the sitting room, please.”

-

“...and your other hand goes here.” 

It was… strange to be this close to Caleb. Strange in the way the sun was strange, or unfamiliar magic. Like something Essek wanted to explore. 

Caleb was very polite, keeping his eyes trained only on Essek’s face. Essek almost wished he’d look somewhere else- it felt intense, being watched like this. Up close. The hand gripping his waist was firm, though, and Essek got the distinct feeling that Caleb knew how to  _ lead _ . The thought almost made him forget what he’d been about to say next, but he forced himself to continue. This wasn’t… that. This couldn’t be, for so, so many reasons.

“It’s just the basic step, really, that’s all you need to know.” 

When he wasn’t floating, Caleb was a few inches taller than him, and Essek had to tilt his head back just a little to look up at him. “You start with your right foot- yes, like that.” He nudged Caleb’s foot with his own, and Caleb followed willingly. 

Essek led him through the step sequence slowly, until Caleb gave a little nod.

“I think I’ve got it.” 

And then, to Essek’s shock and delight, Caleb started leading- it was so surprising that Essek missed a step. Caleb caught him reflexively, pulling him closer in the process.

“Sorry, did I do it wrong?”, he asked with genuine concern. 

Essek shook his head breathlessly. Oh, to the Luxon. “N-no, I just didn’t expect you to- to lead-”

“Would you rather-?”

“No, it is alright if you do-”

Essek could count every single freckle on the bridge of Caleb’s nose now. They were beautiful, like a constellation. 

“Shall we try again?”, Caleb asked. 

Neither of them moved. 

Caleb had caught him in a way that one of his hands was now pressing into Essek’s back, pulling Essek almost completely flush against Caleb’s chest- their joined hands resting in between them. Essek’s eyes flickered down for a second; his own hand was safely clutched in Caleb’s, right beneath the neckline of Caleb’s tunic. There was a small patch of red hair visible- Essek swallowed, eyes flickering up to Caleb’s face again. Caleb was looking down at him with a similar expression, his blue eyes dark in the candle light. They were so close now, merely inches apart, and it was like Essek’s body was moving on its own, without permission from his brain, tilting up his chin, parting his lips-

Caleb met him halfway. His lips were warm and a little bit chapped, and their first touch was like a butterfly’s wings against Essek’s mouth. Essek’s breath hitched almost immediately. 

It was a careful kiss, chaste, almost. For a moment, they stayed like that: lips on lips, intertwined as they were. 

And Essek was convinced, in this moment, that time had stopped. Dunamancy had nothing on  _ this _ . 

  
  


And then, suddenly, Caleb was gone. 

Essek opened his eyes, finding his arms empty. Caleb had taken a step back, away from him, face red.

“ _ E-entschuldige.  _ Sorry, apologies, Essek. I shouldn’t have-”

“No! No, it’s, it’s alright-”, Essek said quickly, no, No,  _ No _ , he didn’t want this to turn into something like that, wanted Caleb to come back to him-

“Maybe I better go, now, Essek.” Caleb was blinking rapidly, taking another step backwards. It was like being doused with cold water. 

Essek stood there, in the middle of his sitting room like a rejected teenager. He should have known. “Yes.”, he said, voice hollow. 

“Sorry.”, Caleb repeated hurriedly, “We’ll… be in contact about the party.”

“Yes.”, Essek repeated, feeling like the floor was turning upside down beneath him right now. Something was not right at all, right now. 

“Good night. Thank you- thank you for the food, and the company-” Caleb gave him an awkward bow. Essek didn’t react. A neutral-faced servant materialized by the door with Caleb’s coat, which Caleb grabbed with a brief thanks, before repeating another awkward “Good night.”

  
  


Essek heard the door slam shut a moment later, still standing in the middle of the sitting room.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ...please don't kill me? 🥺🙈😂 sorry for the pain :D


	11. Chapter 11

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Two wizards with issues.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy New Year! So sorry I left you with that fucking cliffhanger, but to make up for it you're getting 2 chapters today.
> 
> Disclaimer: this chapter contains vague mention of Caleb's abuse

Caleb wanted to slap himself the moment his feet met pavement. 

The expression on Essek’s face, the way his soft, kissable mouth had hardened once Caleb had stepped away- 

Caleb cursed in zemnian, and kicked a rock on the street in front of him. His hands were shaking, and he balled them into fists, pushing them deep into the pockets of his coat. 

The night had been going so well. Their conversation over dinner had been wonderful and stimulating, and had reminded Caleb, once again, of why he’d come to like Essek this much in the first place. Being so close to Essek for such a long time was new and strange, still, but in the best type of way, and their dancing…

Caleb hadn’t been able to help himself. Essek was beautiful, and being that close to him, holding him… Caleb’s brain, for once, had switched off in the moment of the kiss. A part of him that had mostly been asleep for a decade had taken over, and all Caleb felt about it right now was shame. He knew that it hadn’t been some sort of misunderstanding- the situation had been intimate enough. 

However, Caleb had been in situations like that before: make someone comfortable enough to open up, sweet-talk them, seduce them until you can wring every last drop of information out of them. He’d been good at it, too, especially with a certain type of people, the kind who appreciated intelligent conversation in addition to a handsome smile or pretty eyes. 

And in the moment of that kiss, his mind had reminded him, harshly, of how proud Master Ickython would be about him getting this close to an enemy. 

-

He was an idiot. A stupid, lovesick, hopeful child. 

What had he expected? Some sort of miracle? Some sort of overly romantic children’s story about two spies from opposite nations falling irrevocably in love with each other? He should never have asked Caleb in the first place; he should never have  _ befriended  _ him, or them, really, in the first place-

Unprofessional, unreasonable, careless, and so unlike him. He’d fallen for Caleb, and in a way, for all of the Mighty Nein, and they’d let him in- Caleb had let him in- but of course, all said and done, he wasn’t good enough, was he? 

They didn’t need him, in the end; they had each other. And Caleb didn’t need him, didn’t want him. 

It was a terrible feeling, and Essek wanted to curse himself for feeling it. Rejection. Embarrassment, hurt, reminding him of all the other times he hadn’t been good enough: not patriotic enough for his father, not mellow enough for his mother, never as perfect as Verin, not harmless enough for anyone to fall in love with him-

He wiped at his eyes impatiently, waiting for the tears to stop. They were annoying and inconvenient, and Essek  _ hated  _ crying with a passion. It made him feel even more like a stupid teenager than he already did. But they also couldn’t be helped right now. 

Tomorrow, he’d message Caleb, tell him he didn’t have to come. 

Tonight, he’d let himself feel.


	12. Chapter 12

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Mighty Nein and Caleb have a serious talk.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: this chapter contains non-graphic memories of Caleb's abuse and general icky-ness surrounding, well, Ickythong

“You straight up fucked up, man.”

Beau’s hands were sprawled out on the table, and she was leaning forward towards him. Caleb had his face buried in his hands, but he could feel her. Her, and Veth, and Yasha, and Jester, and Caduceus, and even Fjord, who awkwardly lingered by the kitchen door. Veth sat by his side, awkwardly petting his arm. 

Apparently, none of them had wanted to go to sleep before he hadn’t returned, which was oddly sweet, but also very inconvenient right now. 

“Why didn’t you just keep kissing him?”, Jester asked, puzzlement obvious in her voice. 

Caleb answered with a groan. Why hadn’t he? Because the moment had overwhelmed him. Because suddenly, he remembered too vividly how much trouble things like that had brought before. Because Essek was smart, and an incredible magician, and Caleb’s  _ friend _ … and friendship was so much less complicated than romance. Caleb had some experience in friendship now, had learned from the best. But romance was still something he remembered as a means to manipulate people with. He’d learned about sexuality not as something that was free, fun and joyful, but as a tool, something that could be used to his advantage, something that had to be wielded like a weapon. And, from a very different standpoint, Essek was, in a way, still an enemy, even though it was almost impossible to think of him like this- he’d betrayed them, after all. But could it even still count as a betrayal if he hadn’t even known them back then? Caleb, out of all of them, was the one who knew how people in one’s life could change one’s perspective remarkably. 

He pulled his legs up, heels resting on the chair, burying his face against his knees. Veth, who had clambered onto the chair next to him, gently wrapped her arms around him. 

“Guys, let’s give Caleb some room to breathe.”, Fjord said, and Caleb was impossibly grateful for that. 

“I’ll make some tea for us. Beau, will you help me?” Caduceus was in on it, too, and Caleb made a mental note to thank him for that later. He could hear hesitant footsteps, and someone gently touched his shoulder. 

“There’s no shame in loving someone so much that it scares you.”, Yasha said, and then her hand was gone. 

Veth, her arms still wrapped around Caleb, gave a little sigh. “We’re here for you, Caleb.”, she said, sounding unusually soft. “Whatever you need, if you need to talk or if you need us to kill him-”

That managed to bring the smallest of smiles onto Caleb’s face. “No, thank you, Veth.” 

“You know. Just offering.” She let go of him hesitantly and jumped off the chair. “Come join us in a minute, yeah?” A moment later, Caleb heard her small footsteps pattering out of the kitchen.

Caleb swallowed hard. When his friends had left the dining room, he stayed still, forehead against his kneecaps. 

_ “If the job demands it, I expect you to use all of your assets to obtain information. Or simply to confuse and corrupt the enemy. Most people are much more easily swayed by a handsome face, a low-cut dress or pretty eyes than they are by money or threats of violence.”  _

Caleb buried his hands in his hair, running long strands of it through his fingers. A reminder, a contrast to the shorn way he’d worn his hair back then-

_ “You do know we condone… relations between students. But I’ll make an exception for the three of you, after all it’s practice, in a way, isn’t it? As long as your hearts still belong to the Empire first and foremost.”  _

Caleb dug his fingertips into his shins. Fuck Trent. Fuck Trent. Fuck Trent. A snap of his fingers, and Frumpkin appeared on the table in front of him, pushing his little head into the small gap between Caleb’s knees. 

“I brought you some tea, Caleb.” Caduceus’ soft voice managed to dissolve the memories of Trent in his head for a moment. Caleb looked up, eyes slowly adjusting to the light, to see Caduceus gently place an extra large mug of steaming tea in front of him. It smelled like citrus, chamomile and something else, something exotic. 

“Thank you, Caduceus.” 

Caduceus gave him a smile, inclining his head. 

“I understand I might not be the best person to talk to about all of this, but if you’d like to, I’m willing to just sit and listen.” 

Caleb sighed softly, reaching out for the tea. The outside of the mug was hot, and Caleb let his hand hover there just for a moment, feeling the warmth. 

“I’m once again haunted by my past, I think.”, he admitted. 

Caduceus leaned against the edge of the table, not saying anything, just waiting for Caleb to continue speaking. One of his fuzzy ears flicked. Caleb had always wanted to touch them- they looked so soft- but had never dared to ask in fear of being rude.

“I wasn’t allowed any sort of… autonomy in these things. Romantic things.”, he added, clarifying. “I feel like most people learn all of that when they’re teenagers, figure out how to deal with all of that… but I didn’t and then I spent eleven years locked up, and on the run, and it was never… an option for me.” 

Caduceus was quiet for another moment. Then, in his slow voice, he said: “Please correct me if I’m wrong, I don’t think any of us figured anything out when they were teenagers.” It was interesting that  _ that  _ was what he latched on to, Caleb thought.

He considered Caduceus’ words, his mind slowly conjuring up images of what his friends’ youth might have looked like. Various shades of traumatic, various shades of lonely. Yasha, married young, windowed young; Beauregard with her endless streams of flings, Fjord’s “maybe not many, though” and the mess with Avantika; Jester, who’d learned about love from romance novels and living in a brothel; her overspilling crush on Fjord she’d had in their first few months together. Caduceus and Veth were a bit different; Caduceus seemed to have no interest in such things (even though Caleb wasn’t so sure sometimes when he saw him look at Fjord- but that could also just be Fjord’s effect on people). And Veth… Veth, who’d married her teenage sweetheart. Veth, who still seemed to enjoy living vicariously through her friends, and whose feelings towards her past life with her family seemed way more complicated than any of them could understand. 

“Does Essek know?”, Caduceus asked into the silence that had fallen over them, and then gently blew onto the surface of his tea. 

Caleb shook his head. “He knows some things. Not everything. Certainly… certainly not this.” Another layer of complication. Essek must have met Trent when he’d… Caleb didn’t finish the thought. His head was too heavy already. 

“Why don’t you start there?”, Caduceus suggested, “I feel like talking is something that has helped us in the past. Helped you in the past.” 

Caleb wanted to scoff at the suggestion- a part of his brain telling him that it was a stupid idea, that  _ talking  _ wouldn’t solve anything. But there was another part, one that had been growing stronger recently, that told him that Caduceus was right, even though he hated it. 

He groaned, and Caduceus answered with a soft chuckle. 

“Maybe you could look at it like you’d look at a spell?”, the firbolg suggested after another moment. “You have a problem, and Essek and you have, in the past, been good at solving problems together. You work well together, you’ve said that before.”

Interesting, the things Caduceus seemed to remember. 

But he was right, Caleb couldn’t deny that. It felt wrong to compare his mental state with an incomplete spell, mundane, almost, and childish- but it wasn’t a bad metaphor. Caleb doubted that Caduceus knew this, but writing a new spell meant many hours of work, changing things little by little, and slowly approaching the truth and the breakthrough baby step by baby step. And sometimes, changing one component, switching out one factor in the equation, could bring success. 

Caleb blinked slowly as his brain churned away. 

“...I see you’re deep in your thoughts.”, Caduceus said gently after a while. “Don’t be alone, with them, though. Come sit with everyone. You can be quiet and thoughtful in the Happy Room, too.” 

-

The others were strewn across the happy room; they sort of reminded Caleb of cats in that way: Jester, draped dramatically across the sofa while Veth was braiding her hair, Beau by her feet, Yasha, sprawled out on the floor on her back, and Fjord, the only one who was sitting properly in an armchair. All of them had mugs of tea; it was a strangely cozy, nice sight. Caleb’s stomach swooped, though, when he entered the room and all four of them looked at him at once. Jester immediately moved over on the sofa, patting a spot next to her. 

“Come sit.”, she said, and when he did, she wrapped an arm around his shoulder, petting his hair in a gesture that was so full of care that it shut Caleb up for a full ten seconds. Veth scrambled over the backrest of the sofa to his other side, leaning against him, so he was sandwiched in between her and Jester. Caduceus folded himself down onto the floor in a cross-legged seat opposite of Fjord. Beau gently bumped her shoulder against Caleb’s leg.

“What’s wrong, Caleb?”, Yasha asked gently, looking at him upside down from the floor. 

“...if you want to talk about it.”, Fjord added pointedly, and Jester nodded. 

Caleb drew a deep, shaky breath. Jester’s arm wrapped around him, Veth’s weight against his other side, and Beau leaning against his legs was… weirdly reassuring. Like cats sleeping in a pile.

Still, speaking was hard; his voice wouldn’t form words. 

“You do like Essek, don’t you?”, Jester asked gently. Caleb almost had to laugh at how innocent the question was.

He nodded. “Yeah. Yes. I do.”

“Good.”, she said quietly. 

Fjord, gave Caleb a long look from his armchair before asking, “Is that the first time that you…?” They all waited for him to finish the sentence, but instead, he just gestured vaguely, and blushed. “...with a guy, I mean.”

That actually did make Caleb laugh, which seemed to calm the others a bit. “No, Fjord. No.”

“Oh.”, Fjord said, and then, “Okay.”

Caduceus just gave him a mild smile that made Fjord blush even more.

“...it’s something from your past, hm?”, Beau asked, sounding unusually gentle. 

“Bingo.”, Caleb said slowly, the smile on his face fading. He sighed, gently untangling himself from Jester’s arm. Frumpkin had crawled onto the sofa with them, and into Jester’s lap. She scratched his chin, eyes still on Caleb. 

“Are you…” Caleb hesitated, and let out a joyless laugh. The tragedy just never stopped with him, did it? He was glad his friends weren’t tired of it yet. “...are you ready to hate Trent even more?”

His friends shifted; Fjord’s eyebrows immediately furrowed deeply. Caleb took a deep breath. 

And then, he told them everything. About Astrid, Eodwulf, about the things that had happened between them, about the way Trent had tried to control them even in this privacy between them. About the intimate parts his training had contained, and how they’d been taught that friendship, love and relationships were, ultimately, only means to an end. 

Once he’d started, the words seemed to flow out of him. His friends sat in silence, letting out angry, startled or shocked noises from time to time, letting him speak otherwise. Jester’s hand, at some point, gently wrapped around his. He squeezed it, grateful for the attempted support. 

When he had finished, Caleb felt… strange. Like he’d just stripped in front of his friends, and had let them all get a good look. 

There was a long silence, and then, Yasha said: “We really have to kill Trent.”

Immediately, a chorus of approving nods and hums echoed through their little group.

“I want to shoot him so bad.” Veth’s voice was almost a growl.

“I hate him.”, Jester said quietly, and then again, “I hate him.” 

“Fuck him.”, Beauregard mumbled, back against the sofa still, staring into the middle distance with her brows furrowed. 

Caleb scratched at his neck nervously. His face felt itchy. “...so, all of that is… the reason why I  _ fucked up  _ that thing with Essek tonight.” 

“Sorry I said that.” Beau’s gaze dropped to the floor. Caleb gently bumped his knee against her shoulder. “It’s okay.”

“You really like him, though, don’t you? I mean… more than like.”, Fjord asked after another moment of quiet. “Essek, I mean. He means something to you, that’s the reason why you’re… feeling this way?”

Caleb leaned forward, rubbing his face for a moment. Then, he said what had been dawning on him slowly over the past couple of days- weeks maybe: “I really do, and… I’m not used to it. And I know it’s… not smart.” Jester squeezed his hand harder. “That’s why I’m this scared, I think.” 

Veth, by his side, fell very silent. Caleb could feel her tense, and it made his stomach clench in turn. He turned to her, and they exchanged a glance. Veth was, probably, the most important person in his life, his best friend, his partner in crime (literally, sometimes), his confidant. He knew how she felt about Essek. He’d been the one to capture Yeza, after all, and as hard as it was to think about it, he’d been one of the people responsible for the state their home country was in. 

He could see conflict in her eyes; she wanted nothing more for him than to be happy, he knew that much. And yet. 

She took a deep breath and looked away, quiet in a way that had been unthinkable back when she’d still been in her goblin form.

“He’s done terrible things.”, Caleb said quietly, and all of them knew that this was mostly meant for Veth right now. “I know that.”

Veth hummed, pulling her legs up. 

“He made terrible decisions in the past.”

She hummed again, this time louder. 

“But when I think about myself, back when I was young, before I knew all of you-” He let his eyes wander over his friends for a moment, “I would have made the same decisions. Probably even worse ones. I’ve done awful things in the past.”

“We all have.”, Beau said quietly from her place on the floor. “...apart from Caduceus maybe.”

The firbolg just gave a noncommittal shrug. 

“...the point is.” Caleb turned back to face Veth. “...you’ve forgiven me.”

“There was nothing to forgive, Caleb.”, she said quietly, turning her head to face him. 

“Yes, there was, so much. You… you helped me forgive myself. Not everything, not all of it, that’ll probably never…” He trailed off. Jester squeezed his hand again. 

“...this group. We’re all about… friendship. It’s our biggest strength. It’s changed me. And it’s changing him, as well. He’s regretting what he did. A lot.” He paused, then added, “...we’ve already left him better than we found him.”

Jester gave a little laugh at that, and Beau snorted. 

Veth’s face softened. “Essek is still our friend, Caleb. A friend who did… awful stuff. The thing is, as long as he’s just our friend, I’m… less worried. It feels like we can keep him in check like that. But if… if you and him were to get together, if there were more feelings involved than just friendship…” She rearranged herself on the sofa, turning to face him on her knees so they were roughly the same height, “You’re the most important person in my life, next to Yeza and Luc of course, and trusting him with taking care of you… I’m doing my best, and you’re not a child, you’re a grown man, but I just worry.” She paused, then added, “I would literally have to kill him if he ever hurt you.” The grim tone in her voice made it clear that this was more than just a shovel talk. 

Caleb stayed quiet for a moment, and then he simply reached out and hugged her. She leaned her head against his. 

Behind them, Jester sniffled quietly. “Man, you guys.” 

That broke the tension; all of them shifted, Beau laughed quietly, Fjord let out a sigh. 

Veth pulled back, but left her hand on Caleb’s cheek, looking him in the eyes. Her eyes shimmered wet, and Caleb felt his own throat closing up. “I trust you, Caleb, to make the right decision. I can’t say I’m not worried, and I don’t trust him, not fully. But I do trust you.”

“Thank you.” His voice was quiet. She leaned forward and kissed him on the forehead. 

“I’m so proud of us.”, Caduceus said, a satisfied tone in his voice. “Talking about feelings is very healthy.” 

“There is so much talking about feelings with you people.”, Caleb said jokingly, quickly wiping at his eyes. 

“None of us are very good at it, so we have to practice.”, Beau shrugged, craning her neck to grin up at him. He gave her a small smile.

“In my tribe”, Yasha said from her position on the floor, “When you decide to get married, there’s a thing where you take a bath with your spouse.” That immediately prompted snickering, but Yasha just spoke over it, “And your spouse is supposed to wash you-”, now she blushed a bit, pointedly not looking at Beau, “and you wash them, and...it’s meant to wash away… like… mistakes, pain and worries of the past. It’s encouraged that you talk about the things you mean to wash away while you do so.” Silence had fallen over the group now. 

“...that sounds beautiful, actually.”, Jester said softly, and then, to Caleb, “Maybe you should take a bath with Essek!” 

Caleb immediately felt his cheeks glow red. “Maybe not. Not that I’d be against the idea-”

“Ooooooh!”

They dissolved into laughter for a minute, and when that laughter died down, Caleb’s heart felt a little lighter. 

“Do you want me to message Essek now, so you can talk?”, Jester offered with an innocent smile.

“Not tonight, but thank you.”


	13. Chapter 13

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Essek gets a surprise visitor.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello bees :) today's chapter is one of my favorite ones I think. I hope you enjoy it as much as I did writing it.

_ Caleb- _

_ I’m truly sorry I assumed you would- _

  
  
  


_ Dear Caleb,  _

_ I regret to inform you- _

  
  


_ Caleb,  _

_ I don’t know why I thought this would work out- _

  
  


Essek tossed the quill onto his desk with an exasperated noise, and allowed himself to swear. This was the most pathetic and humiliating thing he’d ever had to do. He wondered if telling his mother that he’d attend the party alone would be worse or better than this. There was a feeling deep in his bones, an ache, something nasty and awful and painful. Essek refused to think about it as being lovesick. How could he be lovesick if there had never been any love to begin with? He’d been a fool to assume. 

He took a slow and controlled sip of his tea. It was exactly the right temperature. Essek wished it wasn’t, so he’d have something else to be mad about. 

He knew he was wallowing in self-pity, and he hated it. Not even work was distracting enough. 

Essek wanted to be able to just forget about last night, wanted to scorch the memories out of his head. Or, better yet, simply get over Caleb with a snap of his finger like some people seemed to- he was so successful, after all, quite the catch, for sure- the problem was, all of that felt like empty words, and something inside Essek, deep down, still knew it wasn’t true. 

He briefly considered calling up one of his old flings, just to spite… either himself, or Caleb, or his mother, but none of them were worth it. All he wanted was to be left alone, to retreat into his bedroom with a book, maybe. Like a sad, lonely bachelor. Which he was. 

There was a knock on the door of his office. “Sir?”, a servant said from outside. “Your brother is here to see you.”

Oh, by the light. Could this family stop being annoying for once, please? Why was it always the most inopportune times?! 

“I’m working! He should have messaged beforehand!”

There was silence on the other side of the door, and then a reluctant “As you wish, Sir.”

Essek groaned quietly, rubbing the bridge of his nose, instantly feeling bad. Verin didn’t deserve his anger right now. 

“Wait.” With a flick of his wrist, the door opened, revealing a half-turned servant. “...send him up. Bring tea.”

She gave him a smile. “Yes, Sir.”

-

“Essek!”

Verin’s smile was altogether too bright for how Essek felt right now. 

“Verin. What a nice surprise.”

“Oh, don’t lie, I know you’re annoyed that I just showed up.” 

Essek felt his fake smile turn into the smallest of real ones even though he didn’t feel like smiling at all. „You could have messaged first.“

Verin simply shrugged and then sat down opposite of Essek, back straight. Essek remembered the times when all Verin seemed to do was slouch very well still. 

„Do you require anything?“, he asked when Verin didn’t speak for a moment. 

„Oh, I just came to check in with you.“ Verin‘s voice had an over the top cheer to it that immediately made Essek suspicious. He furrowed his brows at his brother, but Verin just kept on smiling. 

“What for?”

“Because you’re my brother and you’re important to me?”, Verin said, crossing his arms, rearranging his face into an offended expression that wasn’t quite genuine. Essek kept staring at him with narrowed eyes until his brother cracked, breaking out into a grin again.

“I just wanted to see how the preparations for the party are going on your end.” 

Oh. “Well, it seems like mother does not require much help this year.”, Essek replied, carefully avoiding the topic he knew Verin was aiming for.

Verin hummed, paused, and then, casually, asked: “And how about your private preparations?”

“They are going alright.”, Essek said, way too fast. One of Verin’s eyebrows rose towards his hairline. 

“Are they?”

“Why don’t you ask what you really want to ask?” Essek could sense the way Verin cringed from his unexpectedly sharp tone, and immediately felt sorry.

Verin blinked once, slowly, and then asked, “Are you alright?”

Essek suddenly felt like throwing his quill.  _ Yes, I’m alright, don’t worry about me, how are you, sweet little brother who has never done anything wrong in his life?  _

“I’m fine. Just fine.” It came out harsh. This was not Verin’s fault. Essek groaned, and, letting his guard down for once, buried his face in his hands. He was tired. 

“What’s wrong?”, Verin asked, and his concerned tone pulled on Essek’s heart. 

Essek took a deep breath. “It seems like I will attend the party by myself after all.”, he said, as dignified as possible.

“Oh, no. I’m sorry to hear that, what happened?”, Verin asked, and the shock in his voice sounded genuine. 

_ What happened, what did you do wrong?  _ Exactly what Essek’s brain had been asking for the past twelve hours.

“It seems like Caleb and I had a misunderstanding.” Essek pulled his hands away from his face and smoothed down the parchment on his desk just to busy his hands. 

“A misunderstanding?” Verin looked so genuinely sad that Essek couldn’t bear to look at him. “What happened? You looked so happy last time we spoke.”

Essek clenched his teeth. “Well. It seems like I was… misinterpreting things.”

Verin stayed quiet, letting Essek speak.

Essek hesitated. On one hand, the urge to keep this to himself, to not show any more weakness than he already had, was strong. On the other hand, he found himself longing for somebody to talk to. 

“We had a very lovely dinner, or at least I thought we had.”, he started. Quickly, the words started to flow. Verin stayed quiet, brows furrowed, listening intently as Essek recounted the previous night to him. 

After he had finished, Essek felt the burn of last night’s humiliation in the back of his throat. 

Verin’s expression had gone from pity to confusion to deeply furrowed brows, but he hadn’t interrupted Essek once. Finally, after Essek stayed quiet for a moment, having finished his story, he asked: “Are you blaming yourself for this?”

Essek swallowed, smoothing his paperwork some more. “It was obvious that I saw the situation in a way that differed from his standpoint, so I cannot help but feel foolish.”

“Well, you shouldn’t.” Verin sounded unexpectedly fierce, “Since he was the one kissing you, wasn’t he?”

Essek hesitated. “...I suppose.” He could not deny that. 

“Forgive me, you haven’t asked for my opinion, but I am going to give it anyway.” Verin leaned forward, hands on his knees, not waiting for Essek to say anything more. “It seems to me that neither of you outlined the terms which you agreed upon clearly, and so, both of you ended up confused. It is obvious, Essek, that you have feelings for this man-”

Essek felt his cheeks flush-

“-and from the little you have been telling me, I wouldn’t be surprised if he reciprocated. However, I assume you stated, in the beginning, that all you needed him to be was someone to come to the party with you?”

Essek gave a weak nod-

“-so that leads me to assume he thought that’s all you wanted him to be, causing insecurity if he does indeed have real feelings for you, and it also makes me assume that  _ you _ , dear brother, meant to avoid exactly what has now happened from the beginning because you already had feelings for him before and tried to avoid being rejected for real by pretending things  _ weren’t real _ from the beginning.” 

Verin leaned back, inhaling deeply.

Essek sat there, in his chair, staring at his brother. He needed a full three seconds to recover from this before he was able to choke out a weak “It seems like your education wasn’t wasted on you after all.” 

Verin laughed, reaching across the table to briefly squeeze Essek’s wrist. Essek resisted the urge to pull away. “I think it’s less a matter of education and more a matter of knowing people and having gone through numerous relationships in my past before I met Astra.” 

“Glad I get the opportunity to profit from your experience in being a floozy now.”, Essek said, but the sting wasn’t there. 

Verin chuckled. “Well. Always happy to be of service.”

The smile on his face turned into a serious expression, then. “Please don’t give up on this yet, Essek. You seemed so happy whenever you spoke of this Caleb, and it truly seems to me like this was simply a misunderstanding and some mutual panic… at least give him a chance to explain himself.” He furrowed his brows before adding, “And if it wasn’t, and he was just terrible to you, I’ll naturally kill him.” 

Essek couldn’t help but laugh. “Thank you, I’m quite capable of that myself.” 

“I know.”, Verin grinned. “If only there was a spell for social skills.”

“Behave, Verin.”, Essek replied, imitating their mother’s tone perfectly. Verin laughed. 

Essek smiled as well, but it didn’t last long. 

“I think things between me and Caleb are a bit more complicated, though. For more reasons than the ones you just analyzed so aptly.”

Verin cocked his head like a curious moorbounder, listening.

“I don’t- I can’t go into details, because it has to do with work-” Such a smooth liar- “but I think I…” Essek flinched, trying to walk the tight-rope that this net of lies he’d built for himself had become, “I betrayed his trust, in a way. I did not mean to, but it happened anyway.” 

“Did you apologize?”

How simple Verin made it sound. 

“I did, but it doesn’t feel like I deserve his forgiveness.” 

“Maybe you should let him decide that.”, Verin said softly. 

“I don’t know if I can.” 

Verin’s grin had vanished. A gentleness nobody else in their family possessed had replaced it. “You deserve to matter to someone, Essek. You deserve to let someone in. You’re so hard on yourself, because everyone else was, too. Mother, Father, our tutors… you were always the brilliant one, the smart one, the one destined for greater things.”

Essek swallowed hard, looking down at his papers again, wondering if Verin would say the same things if he knew what Essek had done.

“You can’t change whatever you did in the past, but you can make an effort in the future. You deserve something that makes you feel happy, not just accomplished.”

Essek swallowed again, fighting back tears. He was way too emotional these days. 

“We shall see if I can convince my brain.”

Verin laughed. “You should try, at least.” 

“I’ll do my best.”


	14. Chapter 14

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Somebody comes to meddle in affairs that are none of his business.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello Bees! Thank you so much for the overwhelming response to this fic! I'm truly blown away. Enjoy this next chapter, and follow me on tumblr if you'd like, my handle is marmeladednd

Caleb had spent the last two nights lying awake in his bed once again.

The ghost of Essek’s lips against his was still there, the memory of it like a butterfly wing. The way Essek had melted against him so sweetly…

Caleb closed his eyes, swallowing hard. 

He’d given up on sleep in the early hours of the morning, and instead found his way up to the tree Caduceus had planted on the tower, the one that had immediately served to make them the weird neighbours. Jester and Caduceus had built shrines there for their gods. In the neverending night of Rosohna, the fairy lights their clerics had crafted dipped the tree and the small rooftop garden into soft light. Caleb was starting to miss proper sunlight- maybe they could go to Nicodranas for a while after this. They’d have to leave soon, anyway. The world didn’t stop turning because of his personal problems- there was still more than enough work to do; finding out about the Astral City, hopefully messing up Trent, exposing the Assembly, keeping the peace. The idea of it all felt simultaneously like a heavy weight and wings on Caleb’s back. They were changing the world, for the better. Hopefully. 

It felt silly, to consider things like dating in this situation he was in. Bucket list: learn spells, overcome issues, kill former master, solve arcane mysteries, save the world. Kiss this incredibly handsome and smart guy again. 

“You know, brooding this much will give you nasty wrinkles.” Artagan was leaning against the trunk of the tree like he’d been there all along, his mane of red hair backlit by the fairy lights. 

“I feel like my general lifestyle has already given me wrinkles.”, Caleb replied dryly. The fae gave an over-the-top exasperated sigh, checking his nails. 

“Shame.” He wandered over to the shrine Jester had made, picking up a little dick statue she’d left there and admiring it for a moment. “You know, she prayed to me, asking me to…” Artagan gestured vaguely, “...help you with your hot elf boy, or whatever.”

Caleb felt his brows shoot up towards his hairline. Well. Definitely something Jester would do. “That is… very sweet, but I really don’t know how you could.” 

Artagan hummed, and the dick statue turned even more phallic in his hand, growing a few inches. “There’s a lot of magic that can make you incredibly horny, do you think that would help?”

Caleb felt his cheeks warm. “I appreciate the offer, but I would prefer to do… that on my- and his- own terms.”

Artagan hummed again, gently placing the… what was essentially a dildo now, back in the shrine. “Boring, but I guess. I must admit, I’m a little out of my depth here as well.”

“Welcome to the club.”

“Jester tells me these things are usually resolved by talking.” Artagan started to arrange a few leaves artfully around the dick shrine. 

“Yes.”, Caleb said weakly, “But that sounds easier than it is, most of the time.”

“Ugh, you humans and your overly complicated social rules.” With a flare of Artagan’s hand, the leaves started to glow. 

“Agreed on that point, friend.” The fae’s face softened slightly. He turned, facing Caleb, his big eyes narrowing in a way that immediately worried Caleb. It was way too close to the expression Jester got when she was about to hatch one of her brilliantly insane plans. 

“I really don’t need your help, I’ll figure something out-”, he said quickly, lifting his hands in a defensive gesture. 

“Oh, don’t worry, it’s no bother at all, a little favor for a friend-” Artagan’s ears flicked like a cat’s, and a moment later, he was simply gone. It was a strange sensation, watching him be there and then suddenly gone, and Caleb’s brain tried to process it for a millisecond until-

With an understated, unremarkable little  _ pop _ , Essek was dropped out of thin air and onto the ground in front of Caleb.

-

After the talk with Verin, it had been surprisingly easy to find trance for Essek. He was feeling strangely better- the feeling of bitterness, anxiety and humiliation had turned into a bone-deep sadness, one that felt like his body was weighed down by all the boulders in the world. 

It felt blissful to close his eyes, and be engulfed in the warmth of his bed, and stop thinking. Proper dreams were not something that happened during a trance, instead Essek found himself floating through the vast sea of his mind, unbothered by too many thoughts as his body regenerated and rested. 

So when he felt the strange pulling sensation in the back of his brain, feeling oddly real and palpable, the first thought that came to his mind was simply that he was about to wake from his trance for some reason. It was easy to open his eyes from there, look up at the ceiling of his bedroom, stretch-

Before he could react, the pulling got stronger, an arcane whirlwind whisking him up so fast that he barely even managed to grab onto his bed frame for purchase. He let out an undignified yelp as the room around him started to spin and dissolve.

A millisecond later, he was dropped on his behind onto a hard surface. 

The whole ordeal was so shocking that all Essek could do at first was gasp for air. He felt his hands trying to form arcane runes, but the verbal component escaped him. Whatever this was, whoever had-

  
“Essek! Oh,  _ scheiße _ !” Caleb knelt in front of him, looking very worried. Caleb?! 


	15. Chapter 15

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> An important conversation begins.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello Bees! Here we go again- sorry I split the conversation up into several chapters, otherwise it would have become one giant chapter. Please enjoy :)

Essek’s eyes were wide like a deer’s, and he seemed to reach out to Caleb reflexively. Caleb grasped his hand, grabbing his shoulder with the other one. 

“Where-” Essek was in such a state of shock from supposedly having been whisked away from wherever he’d been that he could not manage to form a full sentence. 

“I’m so sorry, Essek, it’s alright, you’re at the Xhorhouse- I’m so sorry, the Traveler brought you here, it seems-”

Essek let Caleb pull him up into a seated position, rubbing his forehead as his breathing slowed down a bit but his voice still sounded unusually hysteric. “The Traveler?! Jester’s Traveler?”

“Yes. I’m  _ so _ sorry.” Caleb’s cheeks were on fire. Of course  _ this  _ was what Artagan would consider helping. Taking a closer look at Essek, he realized, with horror, that Essek was dressed in very light clothing: loose silken pants, a silken undershirt, no shoes. His hair was tousled, as well- Artagan must have whisked him straight out of bed. “Apparently Jester asked him to help me-” 

“Oh.” Essek’s eyes were still wide, but he seemed to have calmed down a little, his voice more controlled now. “Interesting choice of time and method.” Caleb pulled him to his feet, and they stood across from each other, just staring at each other in shock still.

“Yes.”, Caleb said awkwardly. His heart was hammering in his chest. “Again, I’m sorry, once again, for my friends meddling in affairs that are none of their business, they’re just trying to help-” 

Essek’s eyes narrowed just a bit, his chin lifting as he rearranged his features into a more dignified expression. “With what, exactly?” 

He had composed himself again fairly quickly it seemed, arms crossed across his scantily-clad chest as gracefully as only Essek could, and there was a bitter tone in his voice. 

Caleb ran a hand through his hair nervously. He was going to have words with Jester later. “With. Uh. Talking to you.” 

“I did not think you had any desire to talk to me again about what happened the other night.” Caleb deserved that sting, for sure. He reached out towards Essek, but immediately dropped his hand again. 

“I apologize, Essek, for how that night ended. I had such a wonderful time with you and then I went and… fucked it up.” One of Essek’s ears flicked when Caleb used the curse word, but his expression stayed hard. He stayed quiet, obviously waiting for Caleb to elaborate.

Caleb took a deep breath. He couldn’t believe that this was how this was going to happen. However, Essek hadn’t teleported away yet, which he took as a positive sign.

“Do you want to go downstairs? Or at least sit down? Are you cold?”

Essek looked down his body, only then seeming to register what he was wearing, and pulled his arms tighter around himself. “Maybe you say what you want to say, Caleb, and then I’ll decide what happens next.” At least this wasn’t the cold, overly-professional Essek they’d met in the beginning of their friendship. It was still a private form of him, if a very disgruntled one. Which was more than fair. 

Caleb ran a hand through his hair again. He was entirely unprepared for this conversation right now, and so it took him a moment to find the right words. 

“Essek- I’m sorry.” One perfectly-plucked brow rose, unimpressed. Caleb swallowed. “I’m sorry I left so suddenly. Believe me, I wanted to turn around on my heels the moment I was out on the street, but I ...couldn’t.” He dropped his gaze, unable to look at Essek in this moment. 

-

It took all of his self-control not to lose his composure right now. Surely, being teleported out of bed by a wannabe-god in the early hours of the morning would warrant that. But Caleb looked so pained and so beautiful, and Essek wasn’t strong enough to just leave either. So he stood there, in his nightclothes, shivering, listening.

“You humiliated me, Caleb. It was very humiliating, to be left standing like that.” It was pride speaking. These were words Essek had thought about alone, in his office. They sounded stilted, somehow, and the effort it took to speak to Caleb like this was great.

Caleb flinched like Essek had slapped him, but then nodded. “For what it’s worth, I’m truly sorry.” 

“You’ve said that.” The wall around Essek’s heart felt weak; it had been so strong for the most part of his life, but apparently, Caleb had managed to crumble it and now it was going down. Essek dug his fingertips into the skin of his own arms. 

“I mean it, Essek.”, Caleb said quietly. 

“Did you mean the kiss as well?” It was out before Essek could stop himself. The walls were coming down hard. 

An expression ghosted over Caleb’s sorrowful face, soft, like the ghost of a smile. “Yes. Of course.” 

“Then why did you leave?” 

Caleb’s hand jerked towards him again, an aborted movement, quickly restrained again. For a moment, Caleb was silent, and Essek felt like he could hear the cogs turning in Caleb’s head as he calculated the risk of letting Essek in on whatever his problem was. 

Caleb slowly opened his mouth, and when he looked up, right into Essek’s eyes, it was like lightning striking Essek. 

-

Caleb steeled himself. Opening up was a terrible, scary thing to do. Fighting a gods-damned volcano monster was easier than this.

“It is no secret I bring a lot of emotional baggage.” 

Essek stayed silent, letting Caleb talk. 

“I am not very good with feelings.”

A scoff escaped Essek. “Neither am I, Caleb.”  _ You weren’t born with venom in your veins. _

Caleb held out his hand. “Please.”

Essek closed his mouth.

“I say I am not good with feelings, because I need you to understand that that is the reason why I left your house. My feelings for you.”

Essek stared at him, eyes wide and unblinking, not moving.

“For some time, these… feelings have been simmering inside me, Essek. It’s probably not a secret that I…” Caleb gulped for breath, “...have always found you attractive, and at first I thought I could use that for my- for our- advantage, but I think you and I both know that things have changed between us. Heavily changed.”

Essek stayed unmoving, just listening to Caleb speak, his beautiful lavender eyes still wide.

“The more I got to know you, the less I could deny that my attraction to you was based on far more than anything physical. Your intelligence, your dedication, your arcane knowledge.” A thick blush rose in Essek’s cheeks, but he didn’t seem to acknowledge it. “When I found out… what I found out in Nicodranas-” Essek winced- “...I felt stupid, mostly. I thought I’d put my trust and my… affection into the wrong person, like my feelings had betrayed me. But hearing you speak to Ludanis after…” Caleb paused. The memory of all these things seemed distant. “...I wanted to believe you could be a good person. I’m still convinced you can be.”

A single tear slowly fell, landing on Essek’s sharp cheekbone, leaving a trail behind as it slipped down towards his mouth. 

“I’m more convinced that you are a good person, than that I am.” Caleb gave Essek a small, lopsided smile. “The issue on the table is that I’ve made terrible decisions in the past, that I’ve trusted the wrong people, and that feelings like the ones that I have for you meant trouble for a big chunk of my life.” Caleb forced himself to look at Essek. “You matter to me, Essek, a great deal. But I don’t know if I’m more scared that I will hurt you, or you will hurt me, or that… I don’t know, something else and terrible will happen, because I can’t trust anything that might make me happy. I simply don’t know. And not knowing is… I can barely take it. That’s why I ran that night.” 

Caleb shut his mouth, pressing his lips together, and waited for a reply.


	16. Chapter 16

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Part two of a very important conversation.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello bees! Sorry for last night's cliffhanger lol, I hope this makes up for it. We're close to finishing this, I'm actually writing the last chapter right now, it's kinda crazy. Thank you again for all of your wonderful comments.

Essek’s throat had closed up in the past few minutes. He couldn’t even manage to wipe away that tear trail on his cheek, hands cramped around his upper arms, holding on to himself for dear life.

Caleb was looking at him now, staring, really, those pale blue eyes fixed on Essek defiantly, almost as if to say ‘I’ve said my part, now hurt me’.

“I can’t undo what I did, Caleb.” It was hard to find his voice again. “I can’t, as much as I wish I could. Had I known then what I know now- had I known  _ you _ back then… I would be a different person today. I did what I did from a place of youthful arrogance, of a need to matter and to  _ be  _ someone, something more than just my mother’s son. You… the Mighty Nein, you’re…” Essek’s voice broke, and he cast down his eyes, needing a moment to collect himself. His jaw hurt from trying to bite back more tears unsuccessfully. “When I’m with you, it’s the only time where I don’t feel like I have to prove something. You just…  _ like  _ me.” 

A trace of a sad smile ghosted over Caleb’s face at that.

“Knowing that I betrayed you… I had buried all the guilt I had about it deep inside of myself, kept telling myself that I’d done what I’d done for the right reasons-... that night, after the… the ship incident, Caleb… I’d never felt shame like that. And to be forgiven, by the friends I betrayed before I even knew them… I was convinced you’d deliver me to the Bright Queen, or kill me. I think I would have, had the roles been reversed. But once again, you showed me kindness where I had none for myself.”

A soft breeze rustled the leaves of the tree overhead, making them whisper.

“I thought I knew everything until the Mighty Nein came along. But as it turns out, I barely knew anything.” Essek took a deep, shaky breath. “The one thing I do know is... that I value our friendship over almost everything in my life. And yes, of course I have feelings for you, Caleb!” This was followed by a borderline hysterical giggle that broke out of Essek as some sort of strange stress reaction. “But if these feelings are a danger to our friendship, I’d rather not act on them. The last thing I want is to hurt you ever again.”

And with that, Essek suddenly felt like an emptied vessel. 

Caleb and him stood opposite of each other in silence for a moment as the wind picked up again, rustling the leaves some more. Essek felt goosebumps run up his naked arms from the cold. 

“It seems like we’re at an impasse here.”, Caleb said eventually, and his voice sounded bittersweet. Essek closed his eyes for a second, giving a nod. 

-

It felt so much more intimate to see Essek cry than to see him standing there in his pyjamas. 

Everything between them seemed to be so convoluted, so complicated, and surely, it would be the sensible thing to just let Essek go, to take a step back and let him teleport home-

  
  


-and yet, the idea made Caleb’s heart ache.

“I’ll still go to the party with you, if you’d like me to.” 

Essek’s lashes were shimmering with tears when he opened his eyes, and it took Caleb’s breath away once again. “You really don’t have to, Caleb.”

“What if I want to?”

Essek cocked his head to one side, looking up at Caleb. The fact that, whenever he wasn’t floating, he was shorter than Caleb would never seize to amaze Caleb. The smallest of self-deprecating smiles tugged on one corner of Essek’s lips. “You don’t need to pity me, Caleb, really, if you don’t want to go-”

“I want to go, though.” Caleb took an involuntary step forward. “I… I want to spend time with you, Essek. What I said doesn’t mean I don’t  _ want  _ to be with you.” 

Essek’s lips parted, revealing his sharp canines just a slight bit. 

Again, both of them stayed silent.

“Ah, gods damn it-” A voice from the sideline made both of them jump. Artagan was slouching over the bench Caleb had sat on before, leaning back leisurely. “I thought mages were supposed to be smart!”

“Have you been listening the entire time?”, Caleb asked in resignation as the fey shifted to the other side, throwing one long leg over the other. 

“Of course!”

“Is… is that the Traveler?”, Essek asked, shooting Caleb a bewildered look.

“Yes.” 

“Yes I am, pretty boy.” Artagan heaved a sigh, “And what I also am is bored. You two act like you’ve got to get married or something!”

Essek let out a choked little sound, while Caleb himself felt his cheeks heat up instantly. 

“I understand you’ve got-” He wiggled a hand, gesturing between them, “-trust issues or something, but you’re acting like constipated kobolds! You’re so convinced you’ll hurt each other that you won’t even consider the possibility that you might not!”

“Did you read that in one of Jester’s books?”, Caleb asked acidically. 

“Oh, shut up, magic boy. I’m right.” Artagan stood. “Go to a party! Enjoy yourselves! Spend time together! Give each other a chance!”

Caleb caught Essek’s eyes. Essek, it seemed, had been regarding Artagan with a mixture of bewilderment and scientific interest, but now met Caleb’s glance. 

For a moment, neither of them said anything. Then, Essek spoke, quietly and slowly. “I would like it, if you’d come with me still.”

“I’d like that, too.”, Caleb confessed. A small smile slowly spread on Essek’s lips. 

“Finally!”, Artagan sighed. “Gods, that was exhausting. Goodbye, now.” 

Caleb fully expected Artagan to disappear again, but instead, with another unremarkable little  _ pop _ , Essek was teleported away. 

“Artagan!”

“What? You said all there was to say!”

“You’re... “ Caleb shook his head, running his hands through his hair. “You really are a trickster.”

Artagan gave him a smirk and a wink. “Some say the best.”

“Nobody says that.”

“Jester does.” 

Caleb felt very tired all of a sudden, like a weight had been lifted off his shoulders. His head hurt a bit, probably from feeling so much.

“I’m going to go back to my bed, now, I think.”

“Well, you’re welcome.” Artagan rolled his eyes at him.

“Thank you.”, Caleb said, realizing that he actually meant it. Then he turned around, and climbed back down into the tower. 

-

Essek landed on his bed in exactly the same position he’d been in before Jester’s patron had whisked him away, leaving him to stare at the ceiling.

For a second, he contemplated if all of this had simply been an elaborate dream, but his face was still wet from the tears, and his skin still felt chilly. 

No, not a dream, even though it had felt like one. 


	17. Chapter 17

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Party preparations.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello everyone! I took a little break yesterday, but I hope the outfit reveal today will make up for that haha. We're in the last few chapters!!! Aaaah!!! I'm currently writing literally the last... two pages of the entire fic maybe. We will most likely go over the chapter count- I don't like huge chapters. Enjoy!

“How do _you_ want your hair? I really feel like we should braid it-”

“Caleb, can you come try this on? I feel like it needs a belt!” 

Makeovers always sounded so lovely in all the books, but this one was becoming quite stressful. Veth was currently pulling a comb through his hair rather viciously, an array of hair pins on the table next to them, while Jester was using her magical paints to paint what felt like an entirely new wardrobe for Caleb. He had tried to convince her that they’d need the paint for adventuring, but she’d called this “basically an adventure!” and gone to town. 

From what he could see, it looked really good. For a flat painting of some clothes on a wall. 

“Yes, just braid it, I just want it out of my face.” It was a bit of a lie- Caleb actually found himself wanting to look good for tonight. It was vain, be he wanted Essek to… to be proud of him. Proud to be with him. And besides, Essek would surely look amazing tonight, so he had to match, at least a little bit. 

Veth hummed, and parted his hair to one side before starting up a braid. Meanwhile, with a strange little ripping noise, Jester pulled the clothes she had painted off the wall. “There we gooo…” 

She held up the individual components of the outfit one by one. A white tunic with golden embroidery along the collar and golden clasps, a black vest, black, slim-fitting trousers, black boots. 

“That’s just the boring stuff-” Jester tossed all of the clothes towards Caleb’s bed, “ _this_ is the real showstopper.” 

With another ripping noise, she tore two more things off the wall: first, a cloak, floor length but made in a way that it only went over one shoulder; the outside was black, but the inside was beautifully embroidered, matching the embroidery on the tunic: curling flames in red and orange and gold. 

The second item took a moment to make sense in Caleb’ head: a piece of shiny, golden metal, shaped into a wing-like form. Only when Jester arranged the pieces together, it started to make sense: it was a piece of decorative armor, like the elaborate shoulder spikes Essek wore at the Queen’s court, but instead of silver, it was gold, and formed like a phoenix wing. It was big enough to cover Caleb’s shoulder and probably at least his entire upper arm, the one that was exposed by the cloak. 

“Incredible, Jester.”, was everything Caleb could manage for the moment. 

“You’ve got to try it on first.”, she said quickly, but the smile on her face was very telling of her satisfaction and happiness. 

“Thank you so much.” Caleb stood up the moment Veth put a pin into his hair, and hugged her. She wrapped her arms around him, squeezing him closely. 

“Of course, Caleb. You’ll look super good.” 

“He will once I’m finished with his hair!”, Veth intercepted. Jester laughed, and pushed Caleb back towards the chair he’d been sitting in. “Try it on when you’re done and then come downstairs! I’m gonna get a snack now, all that painting made me hungry.” She vanished through the door, leaving him and Veth alone.

“How are you feeling?”, Veth asked quietly. She was stood on a desk so she could reach his hair more easily. 

“Alright. A little nervous.” Caleb closed his eyes when she started gently pulling strands out of the braid to frame his face. 

“Good nervous?”

Caleb hummed in affirmation. 

“Remember, if you want out, you can reply to Jester’s message-” They’d come up with a plan- Jester would message Caleb every two hours, just to make sure everything was alright. 

“I know, Veth.”

“Okay. Just making sure.”

A silence fell over them. 

“I hope you’ll have fun with him.”, Veth quietly said after a while. “I hope it’ll be a good night.”

Caleb took the olive branch. “...thank you. I hope so as well.” 

She hummed, and then tightened the ponytail at the nape of his neck once again. “Okay, we’re finished.”

\--

Beau whistled when Caleb entered the kitchen. The others were sat around the table, having dinner. 

“Oh my gosh you DO look super good!” Jester was on her feet in a second and started arranging the cloak a bit more artfully over his shoulder.

Fjord just gave an impressed nod, looking a little speechless. Caleb blushed at all the attention. 

“Very handsome.”, Yasha commented, “The wing is really cool, Jester.”

“Right?”, Jester asked with a big grin. “Looks super impressive, it makes your figure really-” She gestures vaguely, painting an upside down triangle with her hands. 

“Thank you.”

“Love the hair.”, Beau said, “Can you braid mine like that, Veth?”

Caduceus, who had been watching with just a quiet smile on his lips, rose from the table. “I have something for you.” 

Caleb furrowed his brows. Caduceus stepped outside of the kitchen, and after a moment of rummaging, he returned, something in his hands: a few very small, orange-red flowers with golden specks. 

“...here. I found these one on the rooftop. They started growing at the roots of the tree, and… I think they’re yours.” 

Caleb reached out, taking the flowers from Caduceus’ big hand. He gave them a proper look; the petals were pointy, and the center was black. Each one was only as big as a fingertip, but they were beautiful. “...thank you so much, Caduceus.”

“Ohh…”, Jester cooed, and then asked, “May I?”

He handed them to her readily, and she started arranging them into the braid down the side of his head. 

When she was done, she took a step back to admire her work. 

“They’re so pretty, Caduceus.”

“Maybe they’ll help.”, Cad said ominously, and sat back down at the table. 

Caleb stood awkwardly in the middle of the kitchen, feeling extremely overdressed, but also extremely flattered and thankful for his friends. 

“Thank you all so much.”, he said after a moment. “I can’t…”

“Oh, stop it with the big speech.”, Jester said, giving him a big smile. “Just go and have fun.”

“And come back safely.”, Veth added, but there was a smile on her face as well. 

\--

Essek was re-doing his eyeliner for the fourth time, and was starting to give up hope. Each time the thin golden line was too wobbly, or too thick, or too uneven. 

He cursed, and put the paint down for a moment. His hands were a little jittery; he shook them out for a moment, and then tried again. 

The nerves had started this morning. He was off work, and so there was nothing to distract him from overthinking. His mother had made a point to exclude him from any preparations for the festivities, and so he’d literally had nothing to do all day. He had tried distracting himself by reading, and working on some arcane projects, but that had only helped a bit. 

His thoughts kept wandering back to Caleb, their talk on the rooftop of the Xhorhouse, the strange entity that was Jester’s god and his words. 

_“Enjoy yourselves! Give each other a chance!”_

Essek would really prefer it if they didn’t have to do this with his entire Den around to witness, but such was the arrangement. The knowledge that Caleb would be by his side was at the same time comforting and anxiety-inducing. Essek had spent hours upon hours mentally running through possible scenarios involving nosy family members already. 

Still, the vision of seeing their faces when he would turn up with Caleb by his side was a bit of an amend for his turmoil. 

Essek took the paint back up, and this time, the line turned out flawless.

\--


	18. Chapter 18

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Caleb picks Essek up.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello bees! As you might have noticed, the chapter count has changed. I will be posting 2 chapters/day from now until sunday, and then, it's finished!!!! How crazy??! 
> 
> Yesterday, I received some amazing art for Caleb's outfit from chapter 17; I'm so honored, thank you so much, DaydreamDeuce (on twitter) for this super cool piece 😍💞 [Here it is!](https://64.media.tumblr.com/52dde0324b9d6d99470b9bf78ca0aa2e/af2a8f3b6ebc5700-4b/s1280x1920/0826ae7636cdcc0e97b58606ad5910d822bfb1dc.jpg)
> 
> Now, enjoy this chapter!

“Please, come on in. The Shadowhand is almost ready, he will be with you shortly.”

Essek’s servant led Caleb inside, into the sitting room they’d had their dance lesson in. Caleb followed, and took a seat, declining the offer of a drink. 

The servant left him to it, hurrying out of sight, leaving Caleb alone with his thoughts and nerves. 

His hands were clammy, and Caleb wiped them on his trousers for the nth time. It didn’t help much. The clothes Jester had made for him were comfortable, but Caleb still missed the familiarity of his normal clothes, his worn out coat, and the book holster around his side. He’d entrusted Beauregard with keeping it for the night. 

The phoenix wing shoulder piece, gorgeous as it was, was something he’d have to get used to. 

Caleb squirmed a bit, trying to see if he could change its angle slightly, when he heard the noise at the top of the stairs: light footsteps. 

He looked up just in time to see Essek descend, and momentarily forgot how to breathe.

Essek was always a handsome man, with his fine features and his high cheekbones and his tasteful clothing. 

This, though… this was something else.

A headpiece rested atop Essek’s perfectly styled hair, shiny silver, with a purple stone resting right between his eyebrows, the same color as his irises. The headpiece matched Essek’s shoulder pieces perfectly; unlike the ones he usually wore whenever on official business, which were pointed, sharp and spiky, these were artfully formed and connected by a clasp resting right below Essek’s throat, similar to a large necklace. 

He had forgone his usual mantle for something much more, what Caleb assumed, fashionable (and definitely more risqué): tight black pants, tucked into boots with intricate silver ornaments, a midnight blue top, and a floor-length cape in the same color. When Essek reached out to sweep it back to avoid stepping on it on his way down the stairs, Caleb saw that his arms were bare save for a set of silver bands. 

“Hello, Caleb.”

Somewhere in the past thirty seconds, Caleb had risen from his seat. “H-hello.” 

Essek gave him a coy smile as he descended the last two steps. “You look very good.” 

“Thank you.”, Caleb said, a bit dumbfounded, “So do you.” Up close, he could see Essek’s intricate make-up, golden eyeliner, blackened lashes, shimmery powder on his cheekbones. 

For a moment they stood opposite of each other, just looking. Then, Essek, cheeks a little darker than usual, said, “Would you like a drink before we leave?”

Caleb shook his head. “No, I think it’s a better idea for me to stay sober for now.” 

“Very well.” Essek inclined his head. After a moment, he said, “...I think  _ I  _ need one, though.”

He turned, and made his way to a small cabinet by the side, opening it to reveal a small selection of crystal bottles containing various brown and clear liquids. 

From here, Caleb noticed how tense Essek’s shoulders were; a muscle at the back of his neck even stood out a bit as he rummaged through the bottles, pouring himself a very modest glass of liquor. 

Caleb watched him knock it back with an amused smile. Essek pulled a face at the sharp taste, and then put the bottle back, carefully closing the cabinet. “...alright.”

“That bad?”, Caleb asked with an amused smile. 

Essek gave a little hum. “We will see.” He took a step closer towards Caleb, and Caleb could feel his eyes running appreciatively over his outfit, his hair. It sent a small shiver down his spine. “Come, let’s go.” 

Essek led them outside, casting his Levitate on the doorstep. 

“Are we teleporting?”, Caleb asked, but Essek shook his head. 

“We can walk from here, if that’s alright with you.”

Caleb gave a nod. He felt like a bit of fresh air might help Essek’s (and his own) nerves. 

They set off into the direction Essek led them. After a moment, Caleb remembered his manners, and awkwardly held out his arm. “May I?” 

Essek looked up at him with such shock in his eyes that it caused Caleb to reflexively pull back his arm. “Sorry if that’s inappropriate, I thought… it might look more convincing if people see us.”

Essek, still stunned, thought for a split-second, then nodded. “Yes. No, you’re correct.” 

A bit awkwardly, he hooked his arm through Caleb’s. Since he was levitating, the angle wasn’t great, and their shoulder pieces clinked together with every step Caleb took. 

“...sorry.”, Essek said sheepishly. 

“It’s okay.”, Caleb replied just as sheepishly. 

“Wait.” Essek stopped. He seemed to consider something for a moment, his brows furrowing, then traced the somatic components of Levitate in the air, ending the spell, causing him to land gracefully on his feet. Caleb wasn’t sure if he had ever seen him walk outside his home or the Xhorhouse, and it surprised him. 

“Are you sure?”, he asked. 

Essek nodded with a determined face. “Yes.” Then, after a pause, he added, “I think I use Levitate solely to impress others with how superior my magic is to theirs, doing it for them and not for myself.”

“...that is a big realization.”, Caleb said, a bit dumbfounded after this reveal. 

“Well. It does feel like a night for big reveals.”, Essek said sternly, then started walking forward. Caleb followed, their arms still linked.

“I apologize in advance for my family.”, Essek said after a moment. “I have a feeling they’ll be at their best worst behaviour tonight.” 

Caleb shot him a look; Essek’s voice was very tight. “Do you really think it will be so bad?”

Essek hummed. “We will see. I don’t trust them.” He paused, then added, “Apart from my brother.”

Not for the first time, Caleb got the feeling that there was a lot wrong with Essek’s family, and that Essek meant it when he said things like this. Caleb could tell Essek was, in a way, suffering- he was clearly anxious right now. 

“I hope I’ll serve as a bit of a relief for you tonight, then. I don’t like seeing you this tense.”

Essek looked up at him, his face softening, a bit of color appearing in his cheeks. “Thank you.” As they walked, for only a moment, Essek leaned in Caleb’s direction, making their shoulders touch much more softly than before.


	19. Chapter 19

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Memories of Essek's childhood.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Number 2 for today!! A quick heads up: this chapter contains mentions of emotional abuse and neglect of a child. If that's too much for you to handle, please let me know and I will give you a summary! Be safe :)

Essek’s nerves felt like they were on fire once they had reached the venue. 

Like every year, the party took place at his mother’s summer home. It was situated at the edge of Rosohna, with vast gardens surrounding the house. Essek clenched his teeth as hundreds of memories of summers spent here awoke in his mind.

-

_ Verin is a toddler, Essek barely old enough for school- they’ve set out to find insects, or maybe a frog. They’ve snuck out the moment their nurse looked away. Now they’re speeding over the grass, Verin barely able to keep up with Essek and his longer legs.  _

_ “Come on!” Essek grabs Verin’s hand- he knows, deep down, that Mother probably won’t be happy about this. But the promise of garden critters is too tempting.  _

_ They find a butterfly, black with red freckles on its wings, and a small bug sitting on a leaf. They’ve reached the pond; surely there will be frogs here. It doesn’t take long until they hear a croaky “rrrrrrr” from under a bush. Verin cooes in delight, and sets out to find the frog. He doesn’t get far- the ground around the pond is muddy, and Verin isn’t very stable on his feet. He slips, landing on his butt in the mud, and it splashes everywhere.  _

_ Verin, for a second, looks shocked, but then he starts giggling. The mud covers his clothes, his hair, and some has splashed into his face.  _

_ Essek, suddenly, is overcome by a sense of dread he doesn’t understand yet; it’s like fish biting his insides.  _

_ He hurries to pull Verin out of the mud, and when Verin sees his worried face, he stops laughing.  _

_ Essek tries to use Prestidigitate to get rid of the mud- it’s the first spell he’s learned at school. But the magic isn’t strong enough to get rid of the whole mess, just the splatters in Verin’s hair and face. He tries to use some leaves to wipe it off, but that only helps a little bit. Verin’s braid is caked, his shiny white hair brown and filthy.  _

_ “ ‘s just dirt!”, Verin says.  _

_ Essek knows it’s just dirt. But he also knows that Mother and Father will not like this at all. _

  
  
  


_ Later, Essek sits in the dining room, eyes cast down. The silence is waking the fish in his stomach up again; they’re growing bigger and bigger and gnawing away at him. His throat feels really tight, too.  _

_ Verin has been hauled off to a bath by their nurse after a scolding.  _

_ “I am very disappointed in you, Essek.” Mother’s voice is sharp and hurts.  _

_ Essek looks up. Father sits next to her, not saying anything. Essek wishes, like he has many times before, that Father would just tell Mother to stop, to defend him in any way. He doesn’t. _

_ “Not only did you run away, but you also got your brother into a situation that is not only embarrassing and not befitting your station as the children of an Umavi, but also dangerous. Verin could have fallen into the pond, Essek!” _

_ “...he wanted to go find the frog.”, Essek mumbles, eyes on the table.  _

_ “He’s a small child, Essek, he couldn’t possibly know how dangerous this was!” Mother paused, and Essek tried to blink away the tears filling his eyes. “But I expect more of you, Essek. You have to be more responsible than this.”  _

_ “But I didn’t mean to-” _

_ “Do  _ **_not_ ** _ argue with me, Essek Thelyss.” Mother’s tone makes Essek pull up his shoulders. _

_ For a moment, nothing is said. Then,  _

_ “You will go to your room without dinner tonight, think about what you did and say a prayer to the Luxon. Tomorrow, you will not be accompanying your father and Verin to the moorbounder stables.”  _

_ Essek looked up in disbelief- Verin can’t even ride yet! But he holds his tongue. Father is sitting there, still quiet, just looking at Essek.  _

_ “...yes, Mother.”  _

_ “Now go.”  _

  
  
  


_ Essek sits in his room that night, his covers over his head, and cries until he falls asleep. _

_ - _

_ Years later, Essek is a teenager, his room in the mansion here a hiding spot more than a prison.  _

_ He sits on the window sill, legs outstretched, a book in his lap. His eyes aren’t on the pages, though- they’re cast down into the garden, where Verin is training with his fencing instructor while Father watches from the sideline.  _

_ Dyvon, Verin’s instructor, is a few years older than Essek, with muscular but lithe shoulders and arms, a handsome face and a smile that keeps Essek awake at night.  _

_ He’s not stupid. He’s read enough books to know that this is what attraction feels like. But he also knows this has to stay a secret for now, buried deep down in his heart of hearts.  _

_ Verin pushes forward, and metal hits metal. Muffled through the glass of the window, Essek can hear Dyvon laugh, shouting praise for the cunning maneuver. Verin looks pleased with himself, and in this moment, Essek would give anything to trade places with him.  _

_ The two of them take a pause; Essek watches, mouth half-open, as Dyvon wipes some sweat off his brow. Then, suddenly, he looks up, right at Essek’s window. _

_ Essek’s heart misses a beat- he quickly raises the book again, but Dyvon has spotted him, and is lifting a muscular arm to wave at him. Essek waves back awkwardly. Verin, following Dyvon’s line of sight, gives Essek a rude gesture- Essek rolls his eyes- but then gestures for him to come downstairs. Father, inaudible for Essek, reprimands Verin for the gesture. _

_ Essek hesitates. He’s in the middle of a book, and he’s also not sure if he’ll be able to deal with being around Dyvon, especially with Father down there as well… but he desperately wants to be. _

_ So he swings his legs off the window sill, and makes his way downstairs.  _

  
  
  


_ “Do you want in on the lesson?” Essek wills himself not to blush as Dyvon talks to him. Instead, he gives a noncommittal shrug.  _

_ “Essek isn’t very good with a weapon.” Verin, the annoying little shit, gives Essek a self-satisfied smirk. Essek wants to strangle him.  _

_ “Verin.”, Father chides, but that’s all he says.  _

_ “Oh, have you ever tried a foil?”, Dyvon asks cheerfully, gesturing to a stack of different weapons that rest by the side of their sparring perimeter. “It’s the lightest weapon.”  _

_ Essek, again, tries not to blush.  _

_ “Yeah, you should try!”, Verin jumps in. Essek narrows his eyes at him. Verin grins at him. “...you’ll never be as good as me, but you can try.” _

_ “I don’t need to be as good as you.” Before Verin can reply, Essek casts Sapping Sting, knocking a cursing Verin down onto the ground. It leaves behind a black streak on both of his arms. “...because I can do this.” _

_ “Essek!” Father has risen from his seat on the bench, his face clouded with anger. “That was unnecessary and unfair.” _

_ Before Essek can say anything, though, Verin jumps in. “Real fights are hardly fair, Father, you’ve said that to me before.” He picks himself off the ground, dusting off his trousers, giving Essek an enormous grin. _

_ “You’re training in the arcane arts?”, Dyvon asks, and the admiration in his voice makes the tips of Essek’s ears go hot. He gives a nod, his smile self-satisfied.  _

_ “Yes. Dunamancy, mostly.”  _

_ “Admirable.” Dyvon tips his head forward a bit, and Essek thinks he sees a twinkle of light in his eyes. He is distracted, however, when Verin throws his arm over his shoulder.  _

_ “Right? All Essek wants to do with it is politics, though.” _

_ Dyvon gives him an interested look. “You’re not a fighter?” _

_ Essek shakes his head, steadfastly ignoring their father huffing out an annoyed breath from the side.  _

_ “A great deal of fighting can be done through politics and diplomacy.”, Essek says, earning him another impressed look. _

_ “Ambitious.”, Dyvon says. The praise makes Essek feel hot all over.  _

_ “That is quite enough chatter.” Father stands. “Essek, if you’re not contributing to Verin’s training, you should leave them to it, now.” Because to Father, not fighting with a sword is as good as not fighting at all. _

_ Essek turns an icy gaze upon his father. “Of course, Father, I did not intend to intrude on Verin’s precious sparring practice.”  _

_ Father looks at him, lips pressed together to form a stern line, and Essek knows the only reason he doesn’t receive a scolding right now is because of Dyvon’s presence.  _

_ He inclines his head at his father. “I’ll be in my room.” As he turns to leave, he catches Dyvon’s eyes- a spark of amusement still in them. _

_ Essek walks away with a weird sense of triumph in his heart.  _

_ - _

_ Two years after this, Essek has fully grown into his limbs, and entirely out of the need to please his parents with everything he does. Mother and Father will never be satisfied with what he does, and so Essek decides to do whatever he wants to. _

_ He sleeps with Dyvon that summer. _

_ Essek thinks about it for a few days, and then comes up with a plan. It’s surprisingly easy to seduce him, but Essek has a lot of fun while doing so. Dyvon tells him how pretty he is as they kiss, and then again, later, when their clothes lie strewn across the floor of the room that used to be a prison for Essek in his childhood.  _

_ Lots of men tell him that, throughout the years. Pretty, beautiful, perfect, hot- Essek takes in the praise, all of it, and he enjoys the power it gives him over them.  _

_ He notices quickly that Dyvon and him don’t have much in common- Dyvon’s eyes glaze over whenever Essek talks for too long. Essek accepts it, after a while. He learns throughout the following years, that that is what happens with all of them.  _

_ “You’re too smart for me.”, Dyvon tells him one night, the sweat on their skin still drying.  _

_ Too smart, too intense, too ambitious, too focused on other things.  _

_ He wonders at first, if it’s true, if he’s just too much, if he should tone it down-  _

_ But Essek, somewhere along the way, has sworn to himself that he’s done changing for other people. He does what he wants, takes what he needs.  _

_ He’s whip-sharp. He’s successful. He’s the youngest Shadowhand in the history of the Dynasty. _

  
  


_ But behind all of it, what he is mostly, is lonely.  _

-

“Essek?” Caleb gently squeezes his forearm. 

“Hm? Oh, excuse me, I was… in my thoughts for a moment. Let’s go inside.” 


	20. Chapter 20

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The party begins.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Enjoy the first chapter for today! :)

There was a lot Essek could say about his mother, but her taste in interior decoration was not a subject of sorrow for him.

The mansion was beautifully decorated. White flower arrangements, undoubtedly expensive, paired with black, shimmery baubles as well as softly glowing lights- of course, in the shape of a dodecahedron, because his mother had to show just how devout to the Luxon she was. 

“It’s very beautiful.”, Caleb said politely upon entering. Immediately, a servant hurried towards them, seeing if there was a coat to take, and if they’d like some wine right away. 

Essek handled the conversation, naturally, smoothly translating into Common for Caleb. The sense of dread he was feeling was slowly settling into his stomach, becoming an undercurrent, background noise. 

Caleb squeezed his arm again. “Will you show me around a bit?” 

Essek was glad for the cue- he led Caleb from the entryway into the wide ballroom where, currently, just the right amount of people were already lingering. Essek had perfected the art of being fashionably late years ago. 

He was just in the process of explaining some arbitrary facts about the house to Caleb, like which plants grew in the garden, when the familiar voice of his brother called his name behind them. Essek turned just in time to see a widely-smiling Verin walk in their direction, his girlfriend on his heels. 

“Oh, gods, my brother-” was the last thing Essek got out before Verin reached them.

“Hello, Essek! And you must be Caleb Widogast, an honor to meet you!”, Verin said jovially, bowing to Caleb with his fist over his heart as it was custom. “I’m Verin, Essek’s brother, and this is my lovely partner, Astra.” 

From half a step behind Verin, Astra gave a friendly “Hello, wonderful to meet you.”, towards Caleb, followed by a smile and a warm “Hello, Essek.” 

Verin was dressed in what was essentially a decorative version of his armor, shiny and embellished with patterns, spikes and rather unnecessary clasps and a matching helmet with backwards-curled horns; Astra wore a shimmery-white ball gown with a high slit on one leg, and an elaborate piece of jewellery consisting of several fine, golden chains and white gems, the biggest of which rested right between her breasts. Her hair was held back by a headdress that vaguely looked like sun rays coming off her head, but fell long and sleek over her back. She was beautiful; but even worse: she was also a very nice person. Essek had tried to dislike her in the beginning, when Verin and her had started dating, but she was just so genuinely good for Verin that Essek had eventually given up on it. The fact that she came from a smaller Den only made her more likeable in Essek’s opinion.

Caleb by Essek’s side, mirrored the gesture, bowing to Verin first, and then to Astra, switching hands in between. Oh, he’d read the book. For some reason, this made the tips of Essek’s ears heat up.

“Wonderful to meet you as well, I’m Caleb Widogast.”

“Essek has told me a lot about you.”, Verin said with a shit-eating grin.

Astra gave Essek an eyeroll and a smile before her eyes flickered down at their joined arms for a split-second. 

“We’re very happy to meet you, Caleb. Thank you so much for returning the Luxon to its rightful home.”, she said in a very respectful tone, but there was a glimmer in her eyes. Essek knew for a fact Astra wasn’t all that religious, similar to Verin- however, of course, she had a front to keep up. Her smile warmed, “...and for ending the war, I suppose.” Her hand tightened on Verin’s arm, “It’s good to have this one back home for now.”

“Oh, please.”, Caleb said, but Essek could hear how hoarse his voice was; he was obviously flustered. “It was much more of a happy accident than people seem to think.” Essek could barely tear his eyes away from the redness spreading under Caleb’s freckles. 

“Still, you made the right choice, and an honorable one at that. Yourself coming from the Empire, it was much more than just a gesture. You brought peace.” Astra’s smile had turned fierce. 

“Thank you.”, Caleb said quietly. Essek swallowed awkwardly.

“Gods, love, let’s not make things awkward with politics right now, huh?”, Verin cheerfully cut into the silence. “Have you had a drink yet?” 

While Verin flagged down a servant carrying a tray of wine glasses, Caleb leaned over to Essek. “I understand now what you mean when you say him and Jester would get along.”, causing Essek to laugh involuntarily. 

“Ah, there we go.” Verin handed each of them a modestly-sized glass of wine, and then raised his to toast. “To…” He hesitated, catching Essek’s eyes, “...a night that doesn’t make anyone want to disown their family.” 

Essek snorted, and then quickly clamped a hand over his mouth at the undignified sound. Caleb next to him laughed softly, and clinked glasses with Verin, Astra, and eventually Essek. 

Right in that moment, a commotion drew their attention: the guests, whose numbers had risen in the meantime, and who had been chatting over wine just like they had, were starting to fall silent, their conversations dying off into hushed whispers. Essek knew immediately what this meant: it was time for their mother’s grand entrance.


	21. Chapter 21

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Caleb meets Essek's mother.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is the last chapter before this fic comes to a close tomorrow. I'm sure it's very different from what many of you expected when starting it, but it's what I wanted to write- the fake dating trope, translated into a story between two adults who have been through A Lot. Thank you for sticking with it, thank you for all of your comments and kudos and the art <3 
> 
> Enjoy.

Caleb had expected Deirta Thelyss to be an impressive figure; she was the Umavi of Den Thelyss after all. But when she entered the wide, spacious room, clad in an incredibly big dress, an incredibly big hairdo framing her face like a halo, and all conversation died down, Caleb couldn’t help but immediately notice how different she was to the Bright Queen.

The Bright Queen was elegant, commanding a room with a gentle humbleness and wisdom not many leaders possessed. Meanwhile, Essek’s mother looked like this reaction from the crown was not only what she expected, but also what she deserved. Her face was oddly hard, and even though Essek had indeed inherited a lot of her features, this hardness on her made them look nothing alike. 

Caleb felt Essek tense as his mother addressed the crowd. 

“Here, hold this.” Caleb quickly handed his wine glass off to Essek, which broke him out of his tense stupor; Caleb fumbled with something in his pocket, muttered a few words, casting Comprehend Languages on himself. Essek handed him back his wine, a surprised look on his face, just in time for his mother to start speaking. 

“Esteemed guests, beloved family.” Deirta’s voice was magically altered, carrying it across the room, “Welcome, it is a pleasure to have you all. I thank the Light every day for each and every one of you.” The semblance of a warm smile barely reached her eyes. Caleb heard the small, barely contained groan Essek let out at this.

“It is an honor to once again host this beloved evening. So much has happened since we last came together like this- the war has finally ceased-”

Caleb heard Essek give another small disapproving noise at this-

“-and a new age of peace is upon us. For this, we thank the Light!” 

A chorus of “Thank the Light'' echoed back at Deirta. Caleb couldn’t help but notice that Essek did not join it. 

Deirta looked very pleased with herself as she raised a glass of wine a servant had discreetly handed her.

“I would also like to thank the Light for my family-”

“Ah, here we go.”, Verin said through his teeth, putting on a broad smile. Caleb suddenly felt like a bug under a magnifying lens as most of the guests turned to look in their direction. He half-expected Essek to let go off his arm, but instead, his grip tightened slightly. 

“-my wonderful sons, my brave Verin and my brilliant Essek. My sons, my greatest points of pride in this life of mine, and a reminder of my beloved, late husband.” 

The affection in Deirta’s voice was almost genuine, could almost be taken for real, but there was something about her smile as she spoke about Essek and Verin, a forced quality that made her bare her teeth like a snarling animal. 

In a terrible way, it reminded Caleb of Trent.

Essek gracefully raised his glass as well, as did Verin. Deirta paused for only a moment, as if to make sure  _ everyone _ got a good look at them, then inclined her head. 

“Of course, this is an evening to be merry, so let us be merry!” The laugh that followed was probably supposed to be elegant, but was… weirdly condescending. “Let wine and words flow freely!”

The crowd echoed the phrase back, and the toast was complete. 

Caleb himself raised his glass and then took a small sip- meanwhile, Essek by his side seemed to chug half of it in one go. Caleb really hoped Drow had some sort of stronger alcohol resistance. 

After Essek had swallowed, he quietly said, “This is an improvement, last year she talked about Verin’s accomplishments for three minutes and then mentioned me in one sentence.” 

Deirta was now making her way through the crowd, greeting people left and right, clinking glasses and giving out indulgent smiles. It was obvious that she was making her way towards them, though. 

Caleb half-leaned down towards Essek, and asked quietly: “How, uh, convincing do you want us to be?” 

Essek didn’t look at him, but Caleb could see him chew on his lip for a moment. Then, with a tad bit of hesitation, he said, “As convincing as possible, if that’s alright.”

“Yes. Of course it is.” Caleb unceremoniously transferred his wine glass into his other hand, and then wrapped his arm around Essek, pressing a hand to his lower back.

-

Essek was not sure if he could manage to not keel over any second now.

Caleb’s hand on his back was a warm, heavy weight, and  _ gods  _ did it feel good- not just physically, but also emotionally- it was like Caleb saying  _ ‘I’m here with you’ _ ; the mere feeling of having someone by his side as his mother approached them was… indescribable. 

He straightened his spine a bit- not floating in the company of others, especially in public, was a strange feeling he wasn’t used to. 

The decision had been made on a whim, and Essek had half-expected to regret it. But somehow, he hadn’t yet. It was right, what he’d said to Caleb before: as neat of a trick it was, it was something he’d done for others, simply to show off his arcane capabilities. He’d been thinking a lot after that talk with Caleb. 

Essek had, for a long time, told himself that everything he did was for himself only, that he wouldn’t let anyone dictate his life. But in reality, he hadn’t shaken the need to please others; he’d just turned it inside out. 

“Verin, my dear! Oh, and Astra, love, how are you doing-” Mother had reached them, and was, of course, greeting her favorite son first. 

Verin let her fuss over them with no objections; Essek was still sure that even his little brother couldn’t help but notice how much more affectionate Mother was acting with other people around. 

“Essek-” Ah, there they went, “-with your feet on the ground, no less, how peculiar.”

Essek forced his mouth into a smile. “I thought it was time to turn over a new leaf; I’d rather use my arcane power for more useful things.”

His mother gave a tutting sound that was at the same time uninterested and disapproving, something she had perfected over time, before turning to Caleb. Her eyes flickered downwards at Caleb’s arm, still wrapped around Essek firmly. Essek half-expected Caleb to flinch, but instead, Caleb raised his hand to his chest again, giving her the appropriate greeting. 

“Umavi Thelyss, it is an honor to meet you. My name is Caleb Widogast.” 

The trace of a smug smile ghosted over Mother’s lips. “The honor is on my side; it’s not every day you meet a ‘hero of the Dynasty’, is it.” Essek bit the inside of his cheek at her faux-friendly tone, but Caleb ignored it graciously. 

“You have a beautiful house.”, he said instead, almost aggressively friendly.

“Hm.”, Mother hummed, and then, to Essek’s horror, she asked, “So where exactly do you come from, Caleb?”

“Mother!”, Essek hissed, but she held a hand up at him. Next to them, he could feel both Verin and Astra shift uncomfortably.

Caleb, without missing a beat, answered the question. “I come from a very small village in the Empire, actually- Blumenthal, it’s barely a spot on the map. The nearest city is Rexxentrum.” His smile was charming, but Essek could tell the difference between this one and the smiles he usually received.

“How quaint.” Mother pursed her lips, “And your parents? Do they still live there? What is it they do?” 

It wasn’t unusual, of course, for the parents of one courting party to ask about the other party’s parents- but the way Mother did it was less than elegant, especially given Caleb’s circumstances.

Caleb’s expression turned serious. “Unfortunately, both my parents passed away when I was a teenager. My father was a soldier, my mother mostly cared for our farm, and me when I was a child- I had a very simple upbringing, especially in comparison to Essek-” The smile with which Caleb turned to him, wherever he conjured it from, was so convincingly full of adoration that it almost knocked Essek off his feet. 

“Oh, I’m sorry to hear that.” Essek wasn’t sure if Mother meant that about the death of Caleb’s parents, or about his low-status upbringing. “Well, how interesting to have someone from the Empire in our midst tonight.” 

“I’m very honored to be here, I hope it will be a good sign for this new age of peace and hopefully friendship between our two nations.”, Caleb replied cheerfully. Essek almost laughed- even though the fact that his mother talking to Caleb right now was giving him a terrible prickle of anxiety, the smooth way Caleb handled this was strangely satisfying.

Mother pursed her lips again. “We’ll see about friendship, I suppose.” 

“Over time, of course.”, Caleb added, yet again smooth beyond Essek’s comprehension. 

Mother hummed again. “Essek tells me you’re an adventurer?” 

Essek had never told her this; also, the word ‘adventurer’ was said with barely-concealed disdain. 

Caleb laughed softly- gods, he was handsome.

“My friends and I travel a lot- I find it to be a good way to broaden my skill set and meet a wide variety of interesting people.” 

Verin quickly chimed in from the side before Mother could comment on the matter. “You surely have many interesting stories to tell; I’d love to hear some later.”

By now, Mother’s face looked like she had eaten a whole lemon. “Interesting surely is a word for it.” She turned her gaze onto Essek. “You  _ are _ keeping  _ interesting  _ company these days, son.” 

“I am.”, Essek said, holding her gaze.

She made it for all of two seconds before turning briskly. “If you’ll excuse me, I have so many other guests to speak to.” 

With that, she turned, and with her enormous skirts swaying, walked away. 

“A lovely lady, your mother.”, Caleb said the moment she was out of earshot.

It was so unexpected that it sent Essek into a fit of giggles. 


	22. Chapter 22

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The story comes to a close.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The final chapter before the epilogue... you guys, I'm emotional 😂😭 this was such a big project for me, and seeing you enjoy it so much has brought me so much joy. 
> 
> I'm excited to hear what you think about this "conclusion" to the story- it might not be what many of you expected, but I hope you like it nevertheless. Thank you for sticking with it.
> 
> Enjoy.

“And how did you two meet?” At least this one wasn’t racist. 

“At work.”, Essek said for what felt like the hundredth time. Caleb’s fingers flexed against his back- their mere presence of them there served to calm him down considerably. 

“It’s good that you have something else to concentrate on besides your work now, isn’t it?”, this particular uncle asked with a benevolent smile that made Essek want to drown himself in the garden pond, “You work so hard…”

“I like my work.”, Essek replied curtly.

“Essek is very good at what he does, it’s truly remarkable-”, Caleb started to say, but the uncle held up a finger, interrupting him.

“Yes, yes, but it’s not all there can be to life, right? You have to have someone to care for in your life…”

Essek could feel his eye starting to twitch. He conjured up a smile from somewhere. “Yes, of course. If you’ll excuse me, I’d like to show Caleb the gardens.”

“But yes, of course.” The indulgent smile turned into a, frankly, disgustingly knowing one. 

Essek simply grabbed Caleb’s hand, pulling him away from all of his relatives, out of the ballroom, down the massive marble stairs, and into the gardens.

Caleb followed without question, simply letting Essek drag him out here. 

Once they were far enough away from the crowd that it gave them some privacy, Essek let go of Caleb’s hand, exhaling deeply, covering his face with his hands. He was careful not to smudge his eyeliner; he hadn’t spent two hours in the bathroom to wreck his masterpiece so easily-

“Hey.”

Two hands landed on Essek’s shoulders. Caleb, standing behind him, gently squeezed them- the sensation sent a bolt of warmth all the way down Essek’s spine. 

“You can take all the time you want.” Caleb’s voice was much closer behind him than expected. “Your family is very stressful for you, ja?”

Essek hummed. The pressure on his shoulders felt so incredibly good right now. Almost involuntarily, he leaned back, just a little, until his cloak, and then his back touched Caleb. 

He could hear Caleb hold his breath, but a second later, one of Caleb’s hands dropped from his shoulder, and instead grabbed his, gently prying it away from his face. The gesture rendered Essek speechless for a moment; it felt like the way one might hold their breath to avoid disturbing a butterfly. 

After a full five seconds, Essek found his voice again. “...having you by my side helps.” 

The vulnerability almost made him want to step away from Caleb, made him want to hide-

Caleb squeezed his hand. “I’m glad to hear that.” 

Slowly, he drew his hand off of Essek’s shoulder. The fingers of his other hand stayed intertwined with Essek’s, though. 

“Come.” 

Essek let Caleb lead him to a bench hidden between anemic-looking bushes.

Essek sat down, crossing his legs,and exhaled deeply again. The fresh air felt very good right now.

“I’m sorry I dragged you here, I shouldn’t have-...we didn’t even get to dance-”

“Don’t apologize.”, Caleb cut him off. “I told you, I wanted to come. And I care more about you than about dancing.” He paused, his thumb painting a circle on the back of Essek’s hand, then added, “...I think I understand now, what you meant. About… your feeling like you need to prove yourself all the time.” 

Essek hummed. He couldn’t look at Caleb right now, so he stared off towards the house and its lights in the distance. 

“There’s a lot of pressure on you.”, Caleb continued quietly. 

Essek felt his throat close up for some reason- he swallowed hard. “It has always been like this. I’ve always had… so many people expecting perfection from me.” 

“Nobody can be perfect all the time.”, Caleb said.

“I think maybe I’m the opposite of perfect.” Essek turned away his face, trying to hide the way his eyes were watering up. “Nothing but bad decisions.”

“Welcome to the club.” Caleb’s laugh was like honey.

Essek rolled his eyes, but couldn’t help the small smile that stole onto his face. “Oh, come on, Caleb. You use your life for… good things. You go out with your friends and try to make things better. You stopped a war.”

“Most of it is Jester and Beau and Caduceus and all the others dragging me along.”, Caleb replied, tone fond at the mention of his friends.

“Still.”, Essek said, and then closed his eyes for a moment. “You’re trying to be a good person.”

“Maybe we’re both bad people trying very hard to be good people.”

That drew an unexpected laugh from Essek.

-

Essek’s laugh was a little sad, but also beautiful. 

Their joined hands felt like they were on fire, in the best of ways. 

Essek already looked so much more at ease away from his family, even if it was only a few feet. Caleb had suspected something like this, but to see it for himself had cemented Caleb’s impression of Essek’s upbringing; a gifted child, with a family who accepted nothing less than perfection, and left no room for personal development, for fun, for anything that was outside of their narrow idea what Essek should be.

No wonder Essek had tried to break out of his cage. 

Essek exhaled, and leaned back a bit, staring up into the perpetual night sky of Rosohna. “...I still think about it.” He briefly glanced over to Caleb, but averted his eyes immediately, “...what Jester’s deity said.” 

Something settled in Caleb’s stomach. “...which part?”

“That we’re so… convinced that we’ll hurt each other that we won’t even give it a try.” Essek’s voice was unusually low. 

Caleb felt his heart speed but slightly. He’d been thinking about this as well, a lot, actually. 

What if Artagan was right? 

No, not what if. 

Artagan, as much of a nuisance he was… was right. Being with someone meant being vulnerable, in some ways. But maybe it could also mean being stronger in others.

Caleb grabbed all the courage he had, and pulled Essek’s hand into his lap. Essek turned his head, eyes wide in surprise, but let him.

“...I cannot promise I won’t hurt you, Essek.” Caleb forced himself to look into Essek’s eyes while saying it. “I can’t promise anything.” 

For a second, Essek’s face softened, but then, a fierce, intense expression set on his fine features. “Neither can I, Caleb. But I will do my best.”

“As will I.”

They stared at each other for a moment, neither of them moving. Music was wafting over from the mansion, a distant sound of some sort of string instrument. 

Caleb’s eyes wandered restlessly over Essek’s face; his heart-shaped mouth that spoke so intelligently, his piercing eyes that had seen so much already.

“Kiss me again, Caleb.”, Essek whispered. “This time without running away after.”

It came out breathless and quiet, and the words hung in the air for only a moment, until Caleb swallowed them, leaning forward, planting his lips on Essek’s.

-

The kiss was as tender as their first one- maybe not quite as tender, maybe a bit more intense, a bit more breathless, a bit more… real. Caleb was still holding his hand, and Essek squeezed his fingers as they kissed. 

Caleb was warm, and close, and Essek stopped thinking; about his mother, his past, his failures… all of it was gone, and all that was left was Caleb. Caleb, who had turned his life upside down, Caleb, who had marched into the Lucid Bastion and returned a beacon because it was the right thing to do. Caleb, who had shown him friendship, and understanding, and forgiveness.

Caleb, who, in this moment, was entirely and undoubtedly his. 

  
  
  
  


At least, until Caleb stiffened, and then pulled away. A deep fear overcame Essek, the memories of the last time this had happened still strong-

Caleb, however, wasn’t moving, wasn’t standing up, instead, he was staring into the middle distance with his brows furrowed. 

Just when Essek was about to ask what was wrong, Caleb spoke up.

“No, Jester, I don’t need you guys to get me. Everything is fine.” He paused, giving Essek a soft smile. “...more than fine, actually. See you later.” He shook his head with an exasperated huff- Essek was laughing, he couldn’t help it.

“Sorry.”, Caleb said bashfully.

“Don’t worry.”, Essek replied. His heart felt as light as a feather.

“...now we should have two more hours without any interruptions.”, Caleb said, and the twinkle in his eyes made the tips of Essek’s ears heat up.

“Well, we better use those well, then.”, Essek said, and then reached out to pull Caleb back towards him.


	23. Epilogue

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Epilogue.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> One last Hello Bees...🐝 this is it. This is the final chapter. You've made it. I've made it. I can't believe it tbh 😂 thank you so much for sticking with this story until the end. 
> 
> Follow me on [tumblr](https://marmeladednd.tumblr.com/) if you want to  
> Follow me on my [bookstagram/dndstagram](www.instagram.com/dice.and.books/) if you want to

Caleb smoothed down the page in his spellbook that now held Teleport before closing the book with a soft thud. 

They were ready to go, to set off on a new adventure, first back in his homeland, and then, possibly, into the icy lands of Eiselcross if the job demanded it. Caleb found his heart was filled with the usual excitement that came with adventuring, the usual anxiety… but this time, there was something else as well: a strange dread.

Dread about leaving Rosohna. Leaving Essek.

“Caleb, are you quite ready?”, Fjord called into the library. 

“...yes!”, Caleb quickly called back. With a sigh, he put his spellbook back into the holster at his hip, checked the straps holding it, threw on his coat, and then went to find his friends in the Happy Room. 

“Surprise!”, Jester yelled gleefully the second he set foot through the door, startling him- until he spotted Essek standing there, in their midst, hands clasped in front of him, a coy smile on his face. 

“...I came to see you off. Your friends let me in.”

Caleb felt himself blush. “What a nice surprise.”

He could tell his friends were all staring at them- Jester had her hands clutched over her heart. 

“Uh… I’m ready to go.”, Caleb said awkwardly. “So, time to say good-bye.”

“Bye, Essek-” Jester all but jumped Essek, but in doing so, broke the tension, “We love you so much, we’ll miss you-”

She hugged him tightly, and he hugged her back, looking a bit less lost than he had months before. “I’ll miss you too.” He looked across her shoulder at Caleb.

They all said their good-byes to Essek, until the only one left was Caleb.

“Come on over here, get in a circle so we’re ready-” Fjord ushered them away from Essek and Caleb; Caleb shot him a grateful look. Fjord just gave him a wink in reply.

“Jester, did you remember to pack snacks-”

“Yes, Veth!” 

“Ah fuck, I think I left my notebook-”

“Do we have to hold hands?!”

The noise of his friends’ excited chatter drowned out the noise of Essek’s feet on the hardwood floor as he slowly stepped towards Caleb, closing the space between them.

Caleb reached out, and wrapped his arms around Essek’s waist. For a moment, they just stared at each other.

Then, Essek reached out, placing a slender hand on Caleb’s cheek, thumb tracing over Caleb’s cheekbone.

“Be careful.”

“You know us, we always are.”, Caleb said, his voice heavy with emotion. “...we’ll message you.”

“Please.” Essek slowly moved his hand to the back of Caleb’s neck, and then pulled him in for one last kiss that set Caleb’s heart aflame.

  
  


After the kiss broke, Essek stepped back, smoothing down his mantle. 

He fixed his eyes on Caleb with this intense expression Caleb loved seeing on his face so much.

  
  


“Come back to me in one piece, Caleb Widogast.”

Caleb gave him a lopsided smile, and then took a step towards his friends. “I want nothing more.”

He turned, and joined his circle of friends (they had indeed chosen to hold hands). He grabbed Beau’s and Veth’s hands which were waiting for him, and then started the incantation for Teleport.

  
  


The last thing he saw before vanishing was Essek, standing there, a trace of a smile still on his face. 

  
  
  


They were going to Rexxentrum, they were going to cause some major upheaval in the Assembly, they were going to find a way to make things right.  _ No more kids. _

Caleb realized much later that this moment was the first time his heart didn’t accept the idea of sacrificing his life in the fight against the Assembly as reasonable casualty anymore.

Because he had to return here, to Rosohna, and let all these budding feelings, this budding trust, between Essek and him bloom into something much larger, once his heart was free of the cage Trent had put it in. 

**Author's Note:**

> please remember to leave some kudos or a comment if you like it, it really means a lot :)


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